Jar Jar Binks, the inept Gungan general who starred in the Star Wars “prequel” movies, withdrew from public life after he was accused of perpetuating racial stereotypes. Bill Moyers is America’s most beloved public affairs windbag, known for his boring examinations of social issues that suppress PBS viewership, forcing local outlets to resort to ever-longer pledge drives. Join Binks and Moyers for a thought-provoking “Colloquy on Race, Sex & Power.”
MOYERS: Mr. Binks . . .
BINKS: Please–call missa Jar Jar.
MOYERS: Sure. Jar Jar, you were accused of perpetuating racial stereotypes . . .
BINKS: Excusa missa–FALSELY accused.
MOYERS: I stand corrected. In any event . . .
BINKS: Weesa own has one race on Planet Naboo, so missa m no racist.
MOYERS: Sure, but . . .
“He’s having sex–with a woman who isn’t his wife? Jackpot!”
BINKS: Wait a minuta–howa comin YOUSA always gettin to ask da questions?
MOYERS: Well, I’m the host.
BINKS: Issa only polita for missa to be da host sometimes. So Bil-Boy, what doin people sayin who find out about yousa gay-bait and race-bait whena yousa White House press secretary? Timely topic now da yousa online chat attack da movie “Selma” for “egregious and outrageous” falsehoods about yousa former boss LBJ.
“See if you can find any cross-dressers, too. Other than J. Edgar Hoover, I mean.”
MOYERS: I have responded to those allegations in my trademark style with long, defensive . . .
BINK: Yousa mean bo-ring.
MOYERS: . . . letters to the editors of The Wall Street Journal.
BINKS: Seems to missa yousa didn t lay a glove on them. Howa about da Weekly Standard?
MOYERS: The same old, recycled allegations that keep popping up from time to time . .
BINKS: Missa notice yousa didn’t sayin thesa weren’t true.
MOYERS: What is truth anyway? I mean, so many things are a matter of interpretation.
Jabba the Hut: “Moyers ratted me out just because I like the feel of panty hose.”
BINKS: Yousa didn’t answer da question.
MOYERS: Those are two right-wing rags, Jar Jar . . .
BINKS: Okeeday–howa about da Washington Post? Doesn’t gettin anymore liberal than da! Thesa said yousa sought information on everybody s sexual preferences inda whita house!
MOYERS: Well, but . . .
BINKS: Howa about Da New Republic?
MOYERS: Yes, Jar Jar. But I was a callow youth back then.
BINKS: As oppos to da callow know-it-all now?
MOYERS: Well, since I work for PBS I must be pretty smart.
BINKS: Da New Republic said yousa instruct da fbi to circulata a transacript of a wiretap of martin luther king havin sex inda hotel room–true or false?
MOYERS: Can I interest you in a PBS tote bag, or Three Tenors DVD?
BINKS: You no have Ken Burns “Baseball” boxed set?
MOYERS: No, but I can get it.
BINKS: Yousa chang da subject. Lets talk for a second about whya yousa violat King’s privacy.
MOYERS: Jar Jar, standards of privacy are constantly evolving. Just because I circulated copies of FBI wiretaps of King–
BINKS: To everybody yousa knew–in yousa holiday card!
“You’re getting this all on tape, right?”
MOYERS: Did not!
BINKS: Did too!
MOYERS: President Kennedy ordered those.
BINKS: Maybe so. But yousa da one who allays criticiz abuse of power. Howa come-a yousa getin do it?
MOYERS: Because I’m a PBS celebrity–and you’re not.
All quotes by Mr. Binks have been scrupulously translated from the Gungan using the “Speak Like Jar Jar Binks” translator available at jar-jar-binks.com.
Bill has finally met his match. Although I didn’t know satellite signals reached all the way to Naboo!