Coffin Shoppin’

Coffin shoppin’ is a grave undertaking. It can be confusing and inconvenient even though there’s never so far been even one complaint from an end-consumer. My fervent hope is that one day every mall will have a boutique shoppe—Dead, Death, & Beyond.

I began acquiring some expertise in this process a little over a year ago when in the span of three months, my mother and both of my wife’s parents shuffled off their mortal coils in what one family member characterized as Death Race 2013. It quickly became apparent that coffins are expensive and that it’s difficult to find out how much they cost. Funeral-home brochures with images of specific models do not usually show the cost. The funeral home “showroom” models also offer no hint of such crass monetary considerations. Costs are instead indicated on a separate list, for the sake of making it easier, I’m sure, to quickly lower the prices for After-Christmas and Day-of-the-Dead Sales.

The cheapest funeral option, and one that will additionally earn you sainthood, is to donate your body to medical science, as my dear friend Dorothy did when she died a few months ago. Most companies that guide you through body donation offer free cremation. One such service, MedCure, additionally offers, at no charge, scattering your ashes at sea. Even if you weren’t in the military, this way you can have a stately marine corpse send-off.

If you’re not saintly or are squeamish about your mortal remains becoming a medical school commodity, your next cheapest option is standard cremation, but beware: crematoria may still try to sell you an expensive wood coffin rather than the least-expensive, most practical way to go—a sturdy cardboard box.

If you have an ingrained fear of after-life blazing heat or don’t die on board a ship, you’re going to need a coffin. But take heart. There are still nontraditional ways you can save on coffin costs.

One innovative option is the rental casket. Yes, I said “rental.” Rental caskets are perfect when you want one for show but not for go. These expensive-looking rentals contain plain box inserts that you have to buy. By law these liner boxes prevent the body from touching the casket. After the public ceremonies, the hinged casket end is let down and the insert is easily slid out. According to www.cremation.com, the average casket rental is $750-$900 with purchase of the insert adding another $150-$250.

Another ingenious strategy is to buy dual-purpose coffin furniture from such companies as Final Furniture Limited. The best-known version of this is the bookcase coffin made from wood or metal. Nature’s Casket offers pine boxes for $610-$710, to which book shelves can be added for another $100. Other companies provide even more furniture options. Chuck Lakin, based in Maine, designs coffins that can easily be converted from beds, bookcases, or chests of drawers—as low as $400 and all less than $1,000. Why not rest in a bed that will become your eternal resting place? Who doesn’t want a coffin coffee table? What a lovely hope chest one would make for a soon-to-be bride. And if you buy the bookcase model, you can shelve classics from Faulkner, Agee, and Ernest J. Gaines: As I Lay Dying, A Death in the Family, and A Lesson before Dying. (If your body’s going to be burned, you don’t need a bookcase coffin; what you need then, I guess, is a Kindle.)

This double-duty strategy has also given birth to annual coffin races, such as the ones in Denton, Texas, or Manitou Springs, Colorado. Some of these coffin racers are wheeled but not motorized, as in a soapbox derby, while others involve four running pall bearers carrying a (live) lightweight youngster in a box. Sprinting pall bearers? Is anyone appalled? How do they prepare? Do they re-hearse? The coffin racers in Elmore, Ohio’s Tombstone Derby are often built around riding mowers—designed to mow down the competition, I suppose. (How are they paying for these contraptions? With second morgue-ages?) Yes, this sport puts the “fun” in “funeral.” And it gives new meaning to the phrase “reaching the finish line.” I don’t know if any coffin races have ever resulted in driver deaths, but if they did, just think of the convenience.

Even if you don’t fancy a coffin to shelve your hardbacks in or one you could trim your lawn with—if, in other words, you want an old-fashioned single-purpose burial box—you can still save money and still express your individuality. My mother, who was very concerned that her final resting vessel look “feminine,” concentrated her showroom shopping on white or pink caskets decorated with floral images. There is, unfortunately, some sales pressure under these circumstances since it’s so hard to say, “No thanks, I’m just looking.”

One way to avoid this pressure is to buy your coffin online from a company such as bestpricecaskets.com, which repeatedly reassures shoppers, “Funeral homes must accept our caskets” because of Federal Trade Commission law. Best Price Caskets seems to live up to its name. Scores of models in metal or wood are offered at prices from $795 (18 gauge steel) to $2995 (copper or bronze). The savings over funeral-home prices are substantial, especially for top-shelf merchandise. Of particular interest, this company offers six models with a mossy-oak camouflage lining, the benefits of which are obvious. After all, who wants to face death any more clearly or directly than necessary? The more camouflage the better, I’d say. Dressing your deceased loved one in his or her favorite camo clothing would complete the effect. “I thought Uncle John was supposed to be in this coffin. Where did he disappear to?”

Of course with an online purchase, there is the issue of delivery to consider. Best Price Caskets promises free ground shipping that takes 5-12 days. However, most customers, the company notes, opt for next-day air shipping that typically adds $300-$350 to the cost for those who live close to a major airport. You can show up at the airport yourself and throw your purchase in the back of your pickup truck, or it can be delivered to you by a “Hot-Shot Courier.” I’m not sure exactly what a Hot-Shot Courier is, but I sure do like the sound of it.

The coffin business has clearly made real strides in offering options that allow shoppers to save money, to get double duty from what has in the past been a single-use product, and to express their individual personalities—but for my money they haven’t yet gone far enough. The images I saw of coffin racers got me thinking about the logical next step—coffins that look like the deceased’s favorite car—or when burial space is not an issue, perhaps the actual car itself. (Remember the Munsters’ drag racer named “Dragula”?) And cars will work whether the customer prefers burial or cremation.

Me? I want to be sent off in style behind the wheel of my appropriately black 1997 Firebird. I want a coffin that’s got some miles on it, one that’s got a few dents and dings—just like I do. Fill the tank with premium gasoline. Start up Lenny Kravitz’s “I Want to Fly Away” on the sound system. Have Vikings shoot flaming arrows from a far distance, and watch as I go out in a blaze of glory, watch as my Firebird takes one last trip and flies me to the unknown world beyond.

And the Firebird is already paid for.

Photo: Chad.eversole (from Wikimedia)