Congratulations On Your New Diagnosis! (Greeting Cards for People With Mental Problems.)

Happy birthday to you and all of your personalities.

Deepest Sympathy for the Loss of your Imaginary Friend.

Have a nice day! Hope that all the folks who are out to get you fail.

Roses are Red/Violets are Blue/The DSM 5/Is All About You

Happy Anniversary to you and the toaster whose whims rule your life.

Enjoy your trip to Narnia!

To my sweetie: if I have to wake up next to you one more time I will probably murder you. Don’t ever leave me. Happy Valentine’s Day!

Congratulations on Skyping With God.

Here’s hoping the voices in your head always say nice things.

Congratulations! You alone, out of all of humanity, have been chosen to Survive the Coming Apocalypse. So come on out from under the bed!

It’s beginning to look a lot like slit wrists. Happy Holiday!

So glad you’re my friend! Hope nothing awful happens to you on your way to work.

To my beloved: the sound of your chewing makes me want to rip your face off. Happy Anniversary!

Sorry you went out there. Come back soon.

Thinking of you. And hoping that odd little growth on your back is benign.

So glad that you’re expecting, and that your baby’s dad is Benedict Cumberbatch.

You’re the Center of the Universe? Mazel tov!

Happy July Fourth! Maybe this year everyone will finally realize that you really are the Marquis De Lafayette.

A New Bundle of Joy! Just What Your Caseworker Needs — A Challenging New Generation.

Feel Better Soon. Your Next Disease is Right Around the Corner.

Congrats on your acquittal. Hope they never figure out where you stashed the bodies.

Welcome To The Neighborhood. We’re All Watching You!

(Roz Warren is the author of OUR BODIES, OUR SHELVES: A COLLECTION OF LIBRARY HUMOR.)