Cross my Heart and Hope to Die, Stick a Needle in my Eye? Ick.

A new trend is hitting the “ink” circuit: Eyeball tattooing. Feel free to cringe at the thought of someone sticking a needle in your eye to make your eyeball blood red, black, blue or whatever.  I’m a coward when it comes to purposely inflicting torture upon my body, and this new craze does seem like it might entail a lot of pain for color. For those who might like an easier approach to eyeball hue, here are my suggestions:

1. Contract conjunctivitis. Find a pre-school kid with pink eye and invite him and his entire contagious family over for dinner. Your eyes will be flaming in no time.

2. If you suffer any allergies, stand in a room that is filled with whatever makes your eyes go red: puppies, pollen, cats…your choice. Isn’t some wheezing or a teeny bit of anaphylactic shock‎ worth vibrant eyeball color?

3. Go to an NRA rally and shout  “Ban guns forever! Hillary in 2016!”  Someone will punch you in the eye and give you that cool deep blue, black look without paying a tattoo artist $500.

4. Hepatitis – not a pleasant malady, but if you like sunshine yellow eyeballs, it might be the way to go. In fact, try and contract it at a tattoo parlor known for not sterilizing needles. You get two tattoos for the price of one.

5. Tanning beds without goggles – sure you might burn your corneas to a crisp in the process, but that is still less frightening than someone sticking a needle in your eye.