Dead Giveaways You’re Getting Old | HumorOutcasts

Dead Giveaways You’re Getting Old

April 23, 2015
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instruction book Nobody likes a crybaby, but nobody really, really likes an old person who acts old. And babies, kids and young gens X,Y,and Z. seem to sniff out those types very fast. It may be some special gene mutation these youngsters have lucked into, but once they know you’re fast approaching decrepitude, they’ll do anything to irritate you: trip on your shoelaces, remark on that little bit of saliva–definitely not drool!–that seems to hang from your lower lip, even offer to help you on with your coat.

They somehow know that you are a member of that rapidly aging group stuck in the rut of Beatles-are-fantastic-and-so-was-Fabian lore. You know who you are, and so do all those adorable tykes in Miss Magraw’s Montessori class!

Yes, it’s embarrassing to be a walking advertisement for the Baby Boomer generation, but I can help you if you promise to give up your red felt skirt with the cute bunny and stick to no-nonsense skinny jeans like us smart folks. Here are a few more tips to get you through that rough transitional period from waking up with wrinkles to pretending you’re not old:

The Dead Giveaways You’re getting Old

1. You do not read your horoscope in the newspaper–the present is all-consuming, according to that best-selling Indian guru.
2. You forget to insert the word “like” into every conversational phrase, as in “I went to K-Mart yesterday and like, where did those blue-light specials all go?”
3. You instruct your beautician to tease away because you don’t want anyone to see those little bald spots.
4. When your legs hurt, you no longer whine about too much sex; you just switch to the orthopedic sandals.
5. You start yawning at 7 pm.
6. It takes three cups of java to get you through the same length shopping trip that used to take you a 16-oz bag of Cheetos.
7. You can’t remember the names of any of those “hunger” movies, but you know by heart the exact plots of all the Rod Serling Twilight Zone shows you ever saw.
8. You no longer talk to at least two cousins, but the reasons seem to escape you.
9. Your favorite response to any new thing you think you should studyis “How long is the learning curve” on this?
10. You whine about age spots and strange skin growths instead of acne and frizzy hair.

Okay, You’re on your own now. One last hint: Think tight sweaters, hurrah for social media and it’s time for a gender-bending, divorced, pot-smoking president in 2016. If that doesn’t work, I give up!

Janice Arenofsky

I write humor, but also serious essays, features and profiles, usually for national venues. I'm a member of the National Society of Newspaper Columnists and the American Society of Journalists and Authors. I live in Arizona, where it's hot, hot, hot (but very dry of course), and I have eight dogs and a cat. Oh yes, a husband, too.

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One Response to Dead Giveaways You’re Getting Old

  1. April 24, 2015 at 5:44 am

    Actually, I think I saw the Hunger Games plots on old Twilight Zone episodes … never mind.



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