Fitness T-Shirt Motivation | HumorOutcasts

Fitness T-Shirt Motivation

Really?  It's easy. Watch me.

Really? It’s easy. Watch me.

I’ve gone to my fitness center once in the last six months.  Considering my monthly membership fee, my gym card is the most expensive photo ID I own.  I sit on the ab crunching machine, hoping to do 50, and the back of a muscle man’s tee-shirt catches my eye:  GO BIG OR GO HOME.

I think, OK, maybe I’ll add 25 leg lifts.

Afterwards, I walk past a man pulling on rope chains, as if hoisting a whale from the deep.  A woman climbs a rotation ladder that ascends steeply toward infinity.  I purse my lips and think, “Honey, don’t blow your knees out.”

I shake the jealousy away and think, “I’m not doing badly for my age, motoring around compared to other people.”  (“Other people” being the paralyzed or the bedridden).

Just then a blonde in neon pink walks by with a slogan emblazoned across her perkiness:  EXC– USES SUCK.

Really? Fine, I’ll have a few go-rounds on the indoor track.

After a few (true to my word) laps (in the slow lane because the window views are marvelous), I sit down for a read.  Where are all the gossip mags?  Geez, I am being forced to review versions of Best Workouts.  Fascists.

Another tee-shirt goes by: SUCCESS DOES NOT REST.

Oh, kiss my abs. It’s time for lunch.

Suzette Martinez Standring

Greetings from Suzette Martinez Standring! I write humor and lifestyle columns, and since 2007 I've been nationally syndicated for my spirituality columns with GateHouse Media, proving that God indeed has a sense of humor. I wrote The Art of Opinion Writing: Insider Secrets from Top Op-Ed Columnists (2014), which is used in university journalism courses, such as Johns Hopkins University. I also wrote The Art of Column Writing: Insider Secrets from Art Buchwald, Dave Barry, Arianna Huffington, Pete Hamill and Other Great Columnists (2008). I host a Milton (MA) cable, It's All Write With Suzette, that features guest authors and columnists. Watch episodes on youtube and vimeo.com My big love is teaching writing workshops nationally, and someday making money from all of this will approach my level of enthusiasm. It's very high so that's quite a goal. Nice to meet you! Email Suzette Standring: suzmar@comcast.net or visit www.readsuzette.com

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16 Responses to Fitness T-Shirt Motivation

  1. Bill Y Ledden
    June 19, 2015 at 1:52 pm

    Kiss my abs is my new favourite saying!

    • June 22, 2015 at 5:29 pm

      Bill, there’s a t-shirt for sale that says that on the internet!

  2. Janet E McCourt
    June 18, 2015 at 11:41 am

    You are such a great writer and comedian, I have faith that you will come up with the best slogan ever for yourself and others like you. Oh and great article.

    • June 22, 2015 at 5:30 pm

      Come up with a slogan? Oh, I didn’t even think to take the humor column that far. I bet a lot of comical brains here can do that in a snap!

  3. Kathy Minicozzi
    June 17, 2015 at 11:21 pm

    I think you should wear a tee shirt that says, “Kiss my abs!”

    • June 18, 2015 at 8:35 am

      Kathy, there IS a tee-shirt that says Kiss My Abs. I saw it online!

  4. June 17, 2015 at 10:55 pm

    My fitness motivation t-shirt phrase would simply be.. “if you do this now, you can eat more chocolate later”

    • June 18, 2015 at 8:36 am

      Oh, I eat more chocolate anyway. I mean, the slogan is “Just Do It.” Done.

  5. June 17, 2015 at 8:13 pm

    Suzette,I have to admit I loved the graphic. But I thought it referred to drinking coffee and eating chocolate. It does,right? Hilarious post!

    • June 18, 2015 at 8:37 am

      Cathy, now you have an insightful mind. I didn’t see it at first. OF COURSE, it meant we will not be stopped….from drinking coffee and eating chocolate. (Maybe I missed the fine print on the t-shirt). LOL!

  6. June 17, 2015 at 6:14 pm

    That’s why I never go to the gym. Too many articles of clothing telling me what to do.

    • June 18, 2015 at 8:38 am

      Forrest, you are dead on! I call it the tyranny of tee-shirts!

  7. June 17, 2015 at 5:37 pm

    Mine would say, “Point me to the Dessert Bar!” Great post!

    • June 18, 2015 at 8:39 am

      Donna, the dessert bar is where I’d be “lungeing” toward.

  8. Bill Spencer
    June 17, 2015 at 1:55 pm

    I hereby certify your fitness—to write funny. Congratulations on all the lifts you’ve done. You’ve lifted a weight from my shoulders, lifted my mood, and lifted my spirits.

    • June 17, 2015 at 3:37 pm

      Bill, that’s the kind of heavy lifting I’m into! Thanks so much!



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