I’ve gone to my fitness center once in the last six months. Considering my monthly membership fee, my gym card is the most expensive photo ID I own. I sit on the ab crunching machine, hoping to do 50, and the back of a muscle man’s tee-shirt catches my eye: GO BIG OR GO HOME.
I think, OK, maybe I’ll add 25 leg lifts.
Afterwards, I walk past a man pulling on rope chains, as if hoisting a whale from the deep. A woman climbs a rotation ladder that ascends steeply toward infinity. I purse my lips and think, “Honey, don’t blow your knees out.”
I shake the jealousy away and think, “I’m not doing badly for my age, motoring around compared to other people.” (“Other people” being the paralyzed or the bedridden).
Just then a blonde in neon pink walks by with a slogan emblazoned across her perkiness: EXC– USES SUCK.
Really? Fine, I’ll have a few go-rounds on the indoor track.
After a few (true to my word) laps (in the slow lane because the window views are marvelous), I sit down for a read. Where are all the gossip mags? Geez, I am being forced to review versions of Best Workouts. Fascists.
Another tee-shirt goes by: SUCCESS DOES NOT REST.
Oh, kiss my abs. It’s time for lunch.
Kiss my abs is my new favourite saying!
Bill, there’s a t-shirt for sale that says that on the internet!
You are such a great writer and comedian, I have faith that you will come up with the best slogan ever for yourself and others like you. Oh and great article.
Come up with a slogan? Oh, I didn’t even think to take the humor column that far. I bet a lot of comical brains here can do that in a snap!
I think you should wear a tee shirt that says, “Kiss my abs!”
Kathy, there IS a tee-shirt that says Kiss My Abs. I saw it online!
My fitness motivation t-shirt phrase would simply be.. “if you do this now, you can eat more chocolate later”
Oh, I eat more chocolate anyway. I mean, the slogan is “Just Do It.” Done.
Suzette,I have to admit I loved the graphic. But I thought it referred to drinking coffee and eating chocolate. It does,right? Hilarious post!
Cathy, now you have an insightful mind. I didn’t see it at first. OF COURSE, it meant we will not be stopped….from drinking coffee and eating chocolate. (Maybe I missed the fine print on the t-shirt). LOL!
That’s why I never go to the gym. Too many articles of clothing telling me what to do.
Forrest, you are dead on! I call it the tyranny of tee-shirts!
Mine would say, “Point me to the Dessert Bar!” Great post!
Donna, the dessert bar is where I’d be “lungeing” toward.
I hereby certify your fitness—to write funny. Congratulations on all the lifts you’ve done. You’ve lifted a weight from my shoulders, lifted my mood, and lifted my spirits.
Bill, that’s the kind of heavy lifting I’m into! Thanks so much!