Forty Arguments To Have With Your Husband Before You Die

By Roz Warren and Janet Golden 

wedding-rings-150300__180Do you and your hubby have the same old arguments over and over? Are you starting to think there might be exciting new arguments you could be having instead? We’re here to help, with a list of 42 arguments to have with your husband before you die. They’ve all been tested on actual couples, with results ranging from weeks of icy silence to outstanding “make-up sex.” Not to mention many productive hours of couples therapy. Take them for a spin and see how much conflict your marriage can withstand!

Accidentally making decaf in the morning is grounds for divorce.

Just because I have no sense of direction doesn’t mean I’m always wrong about how to get there.

Your grandfather’s middle name is a stupid name for a baby.

“Thou shalt not pay for parking” is not a commandment.

Having kids was your idea; you didn’t wear a condom.

You don’t need a cell phone that plays 3-D movies and mixes drinks.

A Phillies T shirt is not appropriate garb for a wedding reception, even if you have to miss the game to attend.

Whole wheat pasta is not gerbil food.

Loading the dishwasher: yes, there’s a right way and a wrong way to do it. My way is right.

The television anchor can’t hear you. Stop yelling at him.

The other drivers can’t hear you. Stop cursing at them.

The coach can’t hear you. Stop threatening him.

If your mother rearranges our living room furniture one more time I’m going to shoot her, stuff her and put her on the wall.

No, the Doobie Brothers records are definitely yours.

We don’t need a larger television. A gigantic screen is not going to stop the Eagles from losing.

There’s no such thing as too many cats.

Beer is not a food group.

Dirty socks do not enhance a room’s feng shui.

Any trip that includes your folks is not a vacation.

Most scientists agree that running a vacuum cleaner does not deplete testosterone levels.

It’s your turn to get up when the baby cries. I don’t care if you can’t produce any milk for her. Improvise.

Why pay for a gym membership when you can get plenty of exercise mowing the lawn?

Touch the thermostat and die.

I swear the litter box was clean when I left.

The dog doesn’t want me to walk him in the rain. The dog wants you to walk him in the rain.

Any outfit I look fabulous in is a bargain. End of story.

When the smoke alarm battery gives a death bleep in the night it is time for you to get up and fix it.

I correct your grammar because I love you.

I kick you when you start to snore because I adore you.

I won’t let you leave the house wearing that hideous shirt because I’m crazy about you.

It isn’t good for the children to hear us argue. Unless I’m winning.

“Does this dress make my butt look big?” is a question with only one correct answer.

Sexy underwear is not a present for me. It’s a present for you. You still owe me a present. (And I don’t mean the family jewels.)

Playing the lottery is not a retirement plan.

As far as I’m concerned, leaving the toilet seat up is your way of saying “We’ve been having way too much sex lately.”

Musicals are too an art form.

It’s only a game. They’re not losers. They’re millionaires. Stop crying.

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Bio: Roz Warren and Janet Golden are a Philly-based writing team. Golden is a history professor. Roz is the author of OUR BODIES, OUR SHELVES: LIBRARY HUMOR.)

 

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12 thoughts on “Forty Arguments To Have With Your Husband Before You Die”

  1. I’m single, but I have had some experience sharing living quarters with other people. (I’m a Baby Boomer – enough said.) I laughed out loud at these!

    You can also add:

    If I catch you drinking directly from the 2 liter bottle of ginger ale, you’ll be drinking it through your nose!

  2. Bill Y will not be able to sleep until you tell us how you guys ended up with 42 arguments instead of 40?

  3. I’ve had all of them with my wife. Another one: the peanut butter is not you personal lunch jar so stop double dipping the spoon.

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