There’s something you really should know about. No, it’s not the new cannibalism restaurant my friend found in Oregon (pictured above). It’s the first GOP presidential primary debate, which is set for August 6 and is being sponsored and hosted by Fox News. Fox is known for innovations such as presenting propaganda as news and using only newscasters who are blonder and whiter than the cast of Baywatch. So no one expects the network to present yet another stale, boring debate. But what will it look like? And how is the network going to pick 10 debate participants from such a large field of declared candidates?
Recently Fox announced its plans for the debate:
The Forum
Candidates usually stand behind podiums in a line stretching across a stage. But for the Fox debate the candidates will sit inside a rusted, battered yellow school bus. This is meant to evoke a feeling of despair and hopelessness among viewers similar to watching the film Into The Wild. But the front of the vehicle and the windshield will be removed. When it’s their turn to answer a question, a candidate will get up, walk to the front, and then answer from the driver’s seat.
The Rules
Like with a bad home-flipping seminar in a Holiday Inn conference room, space is limited! There are 16 announced contenders, but only room for 10 at the Fox debate. So the following rules of eligibility will apply. All potential debate participants must meet at least one of three conditions:
1) Currently be under felony indictment. (This clears the way for Rick Perry. But it spells potential trouble for Scott Walker, since a court recently stopped a criminal investigation into possible campaign violations in 2012).
-OR-
2) Have publicly stated that non-white immigrants bring diseases to America. (This is obviously a naked ploy to get Donald Trump onto the stage. Trump recently stated that ‘tremendous infectious disease is pouring across the border.” Apparently, some unknown tropical disease is responsible for The Donald’s hair now resembling cotton candy soaked in urine.)
-OR-
3) Have publicly stated that, in a nation where wages for the vast majority have stagnated since 1980, people just need to work longer hours. (This “blame the person, not the system” requirement is an obvious ploy to get Jeb! Bush into the debate. Fox head Rupert Murdoch obviously wants Bush to have an opportunity to screw up further).
According to mentalfloss.com, August 6th is National Fresh Breath Day. And Fox’s new-and-improved debate format will definitely be a breath of fresh air!
I love these conditions. So funny!