Honest Self-Help Guru Recommends You Not Buy His Books

Thekwak Swindlar, the newly-proclaimed ‘honest self-help guru,’ recommends that you not buy any of his best-selling self-help books. Swindlar, who has written 12 books since 2001, covering themes of harnessing your personal power, creating your own destiny in your mind, and breaking the cycle of addiction with vitamin water, had not given a public interview in months.

“Please…whatever you do, don’t buy one of these piles of horseshit. And no, this isn’t some kind of reverse psychology deal. Read an actual book with real information in it. Take a class. Even read a random Wikipedia entry for God’s sake. But don’t read this book. Especially the new one. Most discerning readers have already determined that despite the vast sums of wealth this tripe has already brought me, there’s nothing of tangible value in it whatsoever.”

“Look, the last thing you need is to waste your money and your time with these flowery heaps of nonsensical psychobabble, brimming with vomit-worthy pseudo-spiritual platitudes. Skip it, and at worst, even if you didn’t do something constructive with the time you would have spent reading it, you’ll at least still have 15 bucks!”

Swindlar says that despite the lucrative returns from his collection of publications, he doesn’t plan on writing any more books. “Sometimes you just have to be able to look at yourself in the mirror and sleep at night, you know? If my mother were still alive, she’d probably kick my ass for writing this garbage. Everyone’s different. Do whatever you want. Nobody has all the answers. I’m not even a real guru. My birth certificate says ‘William Schwartz.'”