Know Thyself (Without Breaking the Bank) | HumorOutcasts

Know Thyself (Without Breaking the Bank)

January 21, 2015
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brreclusWHAT POISONOUS ARACHNID ARE YOU?

I got Brown Recluse Spider.

Thanks to advances in Internet technology, we’ve long had the ability to listen to music, watch videos and do research free of charge. Now there’s a new kid on the Free Stuff block — Self-Knowledge. Talk about a game-changer. Why send your therapist’s kids to private school when you can get all the answers online? For free. It sounds too good to be true, but in one week, I learned everything I needed to know about myself simply by taking social media quizzes. Never has enlightenment been so easy. You find a quiz on Facebook, answer nine questions related to the subject, and boom, out pops another revealing piece of your personal puzzle.

Some of my results:

WHAT SODA ARE YOU?

I got Coke Zero.

WHAT INTERNATIONAL GOTHIC ARTIST ARE YOU?

I got Tilman Riemenschneider.

WHAT COMMUNICABLE DISEASE ARE YOU?

I got diphtheria.

WHAT UTENSIL ARE YOU?

I got soup spoon.

WHAT POEM ARE YOU?

I got “Howl.”

WHAT MOURNFUL CRY ARE YOU?

I got howl.

You get the idea. The more quizzes you take, the more doors you unlock. For twenty years, I had been using the man-sized bars of Safeguard. Then I took the soap quiz and lo and behold…

I got Dove.

Which naturally influenced the result of the next quiz:

WHAT FAT BIRD ARE YOU?

After fifty-seven quizzes, I have more self-knowledge than I know what to do with, the only glitch being that there is an enormous amount of information to retain. The other day I was looking for a new place to live, but I suddenly forgot — am I ‘rent’ or am I “buy?”  On my last trip to the mall, I couldn’t remember if I was “freeway” or “surface streets” and wound up crashing into the median divider. Feeling stiffness in my neck, I then drew a blank as to whether I was “orthopedist” or “chiropractor.”  I saw my world starting to unravel when I suddenly realized that all the answers were on my smart phone — I just needed to check Facebook. Quickly going to log in…

I got empty battery.

Which made perfect sense, because twenty-two quizzes ago I had been asked…

WHAT PHONE ARE YOU?

I got landline. 

I soon realized that the abundant riches of self-knowledge had become a lot for me to manage. One day, tired of berating myself for not remembering what casual shoe I was, I started to look for help.  As luck it would have it, I located a professional on Craig’s List who calls himself a “Social Media Response Organizer.”  There’s no Internet test he hasn’t seen, no answer that fazes him. In less than half an hour, Dr. Quiz outfitted me with a lightweight digital wristband housing my entire history of answers. Then we met for three sessions to make sure I’m applying everything I’ve learned — all for only $1800.   Pleased with my progress, I decided to celebrate by taking one more quiz.

WHAT PERSONALITY TYPE ARE YOU?

I got schmuck.

****

Bruce Ferber

Bruce Ferber is an Emmy and Golden Globe-nominated comedy writer and producer whose credits include Bosom Buddies, Growing Pains, Sabrina, The Teenage Witch, Coach, and Home Improvement, where he served as Executive Producer and showrunner. In addition to being recognized by the Television Academy, his work has received the People’s Choice, Kid’s Choice and Environmental Media Awards. In support of his new novel "Elevating Overman," Ferber created "The Blog of Shame," a love letter to self-promotion. He lives in Southern California, with his wife, children, large dog, and assorted musical instruments.

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One Response to Know Thyself (Without Breaking the Bank)

  1. Kathy Minicozzi
    January 21, 2015 at 8:00 pm

    Did you know I was a queen in a former life? Neither did I, until Facebook told me, and we all know that Facebook doesn’t lie.



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