Not-To-Do List

Okay. I got the idea for this from the absolutewrite.com website, where writer’s prompts from David Sedaris can be found. If you think this is silly, blame him.

We have 1 birthday per year and 364 un-birthdays. Married people have an anniversary, 2 birthdays, 1 Christmas and 361 days where they don’t have to worry about buying gifts for each other, unless you count Valentine’s Day, in which case the number dwindles to 360.

We all have things we have to do, and some people are organized enough to make to-do lists.

However, nobody ever thinks of making a list of things they WON’T do today. Being a far-sighted person who never likes to do anything the right … er, the way everyone else does it, I hereby present my Not-To-Do List for today:

1. I will not jump onto my desk and do a striptease while singing “Don’t Cry for Me, Argentina.”

2. I will not spit on my boss’ shoe.

3. I will not make prank calls to China.

4. I will not fall off the George Washington Bridge while yelling, “Whee!”

5. I will not hack into my old boyfriend’s computer and delete his elephant porn collection.

6. I will not tell anyone I am an angel.

7. If I do tell someone I am an angel, I won’t expect a glow to light up around me.

8. I will not ignore my best gay male friend when he tells me my new dress makes me look like a partially deflated helium balloon.

9. I will not wear my tee shirt that says, “Oh, this is SO going into my next novel” at any meeting with the head of my department.

10. I will not sing opera arias to my cat.