Paul Ryan Demands Equal Time Split Between Playing With Kids, Destroying America

Wisconsin Congressman Paul Ryan, being pressured to accept the role of Speaker of the House as John Boehner steps down, seems to be open to the prospect as long as he is able to maintain a proper balance between obstructionism and the destruction of the entire social safety net versus personal family obligations. Ryan has opposed measures designed to allow parents to be with their children when they are in need, but wants to ensure he’s personally home when his children are in Saturday and Sunday.

“Look, I’ve got young kids. They need me. I like to play around with them. I can’t be spending every waking hour fighting against families looking to carve out small slivers of time to tend to their newborns or other children in need. I’d prefer to limit my efforts to crush the hopes and dreams of working American families to just weekdays. I can’t be apart from my kids while fighting to maintain prohibitions against abortion even in cases of rape or incest. I don’t want to be working to destroy Social Security during one of my kids’ ball games or band concerts. Sunday and Saturday are not the time to gut programs for the poor and propose even more tax cuts for the wealthy. Some people say that I’m being hypocritical. But if other people want to be able to spend time with their kids, THEY can be elected to Congress, run on a failed Presidential ticket, and then be elected Speaker of the House for the most dysfunctional bunch of jackoffs in Congressional history. It’s not hard.”

Ryan’s Congressional staff has no published family leave policy, but Ryan himself has been known for being generous to every staffer bearing a child or adopting. They each receive an additional Ayn Rand novel, pink or blue baby booties complete with their own bootie-straps, and a new picture frame that even illuminates so that they can easily see their child’s picture even after the office lighting shuts down at night and on the weekends.

Boehner’s reign as Speaker and Kevin McCarthy’s prospective candidacy were both derailed by the House Freedom Caucus, a group of mostly newer Congressmen who believe more power must rest in the hands of individual unhinged members rather than the slightly more stable party leadership. Recent reports show that with a small concession to agree to shut down the government only twice per year, Ryan has indeed been able to secure the necessary votes to become Speaker.