A man who is sexually attracted to playground equipment was recently banned from “any location with a slide” after being caught having sex with one.
Christopher Johnson, 46, was described by the newspaper who reported this item as having a “powerful fetish for children’s playground equipment.” The newspaper noted that this was his second “slide-related offense.”
The playground pervert was arrested when four people called the cops after witnessing him “interacting in a lascivious way” with the slide.
So much for that pleasant little picnic at the local park.
When this news hit the internet, this poor tortured soul’s plight was met with sympathy and understanding. Ha ha, I’m kidding! The Comments section quickly filled with mocking remarks by the usual smartasses:
“Maybe he’s a swinger?”
“His slide into deviancy was costly.”
“I wonder if having to go through the justice system merry-go-round turned him on.”
Imagine this poor dude’s life. He goes through his days having sex with playground equipment as frequently as possible. When he can’t actually “simulate a sex act with a slide” I’m guessing that he fantasizes about having sex with sides.
Is it just slides? Does his fetish also include climbing walls? Monkey bars?
How does a fetish like this even get started? He got seduced by a deviant see-saw as a kid? A lascivious swing set came on to him?
Curious, I consulted with a psychoanalyst of my acquaintance, who said, “Please keep me out of this.”
Is playground perversion actually a thing? If I Google research “sex with slides” will I turn up playground equipment fetish support groups? Meet-up gatherings made up of playground pervs who hit the park together under cover of darkness to make whoopee with the monkey bars? People seeking partners with a similar fetish? (“It’s your turn to dress up as the climbing toy!”)
What’s the takeaway here? Well if you’re the mother of small children, it’s just one more thing to worry about when you take the kiddos to the playground. Beyond that, it’s a reminder to all of us, once again, that you can’t begin to imagine what people are capable of.
Which is to say that if you can imagine it, there’s somebody out there who wants to fuck it.
Is there porn for people who get turned on by playground equipment? And if so, what does it look like? On second thought, I don’t want to go there. But if you’re braver than I am, reader, feel free to check it out and tell me all about it in the Comments section.
(Roz Warren is the author of OUR BODIES, OUR SHELVES: A COLLECTION OF LIBRARY HUMOR.)
Gives a whole new meaning to the term “monkey bars”.
Gasp. It’s official. I’m taking the pressure washer to the park with me before I let the kids out . . .
This just confirms my concern about brings little ones to public parks!
Hand sanitizer, anyone?
I can no longer pass a playground now without thinking about this. Oy, Roz, oy. That is disgusting. Ew.
Crazy. And rather stomach turning to consider kids playing on the equipment after the freaky acts from the weirdo.
It’s all swings and roundabouts, if you ask me.
Ah yes. What woman hasn’t, at one time or another, gone ape over a Jungle Jim?
My uncle worked for a very large library where they had to lock up any books about pigs because there was a patron who had, er, an unusual interest in such images. It’s very sad to see how human cognition/emotion can be off a notch or two. People experience so much suffering when these things happen. I hope that he can find affordable, appropriate and effective help.
Yes, eWWWWW! The comments are amazing, too. Thank you, Roz, for this essay. We do NOT want to google this for more information. How shy of your psychiatrist friend. Where’s the professional attitude? Ha, me, too, ha. Love you, Roz.
I heard a passing reference to this guy on the radio yesterday. Never thought I’d find out what the deal was. It is hard to imagine how such things get started. I’m looking at the schoolyard playground across the street with a more jaundiced eye today.
OMG. They walk among us. And I thought kiddie cold germs and bird poop were the only things to worry about touching at the playground. Ew.
So far, EW is the most popular response to this piece. Closely followed by YIKES.
Wonderful!
Oh dear. I mean, oh dear. Is there nothing sacred any more? This boggles my mind.
There are some things you want to never Google. And others you want to be really careful about spelling. Like Grandfather Clocks. Just saying.
A jaw-dropping column, well done, Roz. I might never listen to The Moody Blues’ “Ride My See-Saw” in the same way again. 🙂
HA!
Amazing. Just when you think you’ve seen everything …