Snow Days Burden Stay-at-Home Spouses as Adults Regress

WESTLAND, Mass.  It’s 7:15 a.m., the time when Marci Evers would ordinarily be pouring herself a second cup of coffee and sharing a laugh with some of her favorite personalities on NBC’s “Today Show,” but this morning she’s having trouble hearing over an unaccustomed din.

“Wow–that is really awful guitar-playing!”

The letters “G-L-O-R-I-A!” are heard at a shouted volume from behind a door as her husband Mike, a commercial banker and amateur guitarist who learned the Van Morrison song nearly a half century ago but never progressed much further beyond it, acts out his rock star fantasies in their unfinished basement.  “Don’t get me wrong, it’s nice to see more of my husband,” Marci says, referring to the second day in two weeks in which a state of emergency has been declared in Massachusetts and public transit shut down.  “It’s just that–I also enjoy my peace and quiet.”

After a few more minutes Marci reaches the limits of her patience, opens up the basement door and yells “I’m trying to watch the T-O-D-A-Y Show, you knucklehead, so turn it down.”  The music ends, but a few moments later one hears the strains of “House of the Rising Sun,” The Animals hit that constitutes the other half of Mike’s repertoire, played at a somewhat softer volume.

Morrisson:  Don’t blame him.

The Evers represent a phenomenon that is beginning to concern public health officials in this region, which is expected to get two more blizzard-force storms next week, further confining adult males who have successfully repressed their infantile tendencies in order to succeed at professional jobs, but who risk slipping back into adolescence or even childhood if forced to remain home much longer.

St. Columbkille, Patron Saint of Guys Who Like to Stay Home and Goof Around

“The first impact is on nutrition,” says Dr. Milton Eiserman of St. Columbkille’s Hospital in Brighton.  “Men who would normally have an egg salad sandwich on wheat or ham on rye for lunch fill up on Froot Loops and Count Chocula.  Adult acne is a common side effect, as are dental cavities.”

Marci finally persuades Mike to come upstairs and watch VHS tapes in the den on an older TV set the couple has yet to discard since the coming of digital cable.  So begins a “Rocky and Bullwinkle” marathon that she hopes will keep him occupied for a few hours as he settles himself on the floor in his footie pajamas, which are cut from a playful fabric that depicts the seven governors of the Federal Reserve System.

“What do you want for lunch?” she asks as he settles in to watch the 60’s-era cartoon show.  “I could make some tuna salad, or . . .”

“PB&J!”