Sympathy for the Horndog: An Interview With Dominique Strauss-Kahn

HOST:  Good evening once again everybody and welcome to Sympathy for the Horn-Dog, the show that brings you the truth the lame-stream media won’t tell you about world-class horn-dogs such as Hugh Hefner, Ted Kennedy and Chris Dodd.  Tonight our guest is Dominique Gaston Andre Strauss-Kahn, economist, lawyer, politician, Socialist and former Managing Director of the International Monetary Fund.

DSK:  You forgot raconteur, bon vivant and boulevardier.

HOST:  Sorry–I stand corrected.  Welcome.

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DSK:  “Am I a leetle rough in the sack?  Peut-etre.”

 

DSK:  Mon plaisir.

HOST:  Monsieur Strauss-Kahn . . .

DSK:  Please–call me “DSK.”  Everyone else does.

HOST:  Non probleme.  DSK, you are currently on trial in France for “aggravated pimping.”

DSK:  So help me God, I never aggravated a pimp in my life.

HOST:  The whole thing strikes me as preposterous.  However, testimony is mounting up that you organized sex parties in Europe and the U.S.  What do you say to those charges?

DSK:  I say that it is I, not les femmes, who is the victim here.

HOST:  How so?

DSK:  Had I known they were prostitutes, I never would have paid them.

HOST:  I’m with you on that one.  It only encourages them.

DSK:  Why do you Americans have signs in national parks that say “Do not feed the animals,” huh?  It is because if they get used to handouts, they become lazy.

HOST:  Nothing worse than a lazy prostitute.

DSK:  Precisely.  What is it your “Queen of Disco” . . .

HOST:  Boston’s own Donna Summer?

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DSK:  Yes–what is it she says?  “She works hard for the money.”

HOST:  I believe that’s how it goes.  So these women . . . they lured you into partying by misrepresenting their amateur status?

DSK:  Precisely.

HOST:  The perfidy!

DSK:  The lies!  And now they have the unmitigated Gaul to say I was “brutal” to them.

HOST:  How do you respond?

DSK:  As I said in court, I have discovered through this trial that my sexuality is perhaps rougher than most men’s.  If some women don’t like it, it’s their right.

HOST:  Their right . . . to what?

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“Please–I must have that man!”

 

DSK:  Not to enjoy it.  However, I find it incroyable that any woman could resist my charms.

HOST:  A woman named “Jade” claimed that you wanted to have sex with her on a mattress that held 40 people.

DSK:  Let me tell you something about DSK.  Even though DSK grew up in comfortable circumstances, I wish to know what it is like to share a bed with 39 people.

HOST:  Jade said 40.

DSK:  I’m not counting myself–that would be the height of egoisme.

HOST:  Okay, gotcha.  So you were surprised to learn that Jade was paid . . .

DSK:  That has a nice ring to it.  Are you a poet?

HOST:  Well, I like to think so.  Anyway, she was paid 2,000 euros to come to Washington, D.C. with a group that included you even after she had rebuffed your advances at a Belgian sex club.

DSK:  She did not rebuff my advances.  She didn’t even buff them.  Take a look–I have been reduced to such a state by this trial that I must go around with unbuffed advances.

HOST:  We may have a language problem here.  Jade told the Judge she was told she could come along if she had sex with you and the only reason she went was she needed the money and “wanted to see the American capital.”

DSK:  Now that hurts.  And here I thought she loved me!

HOST:  I’m just quoting from the transcript.

DSK:  The transcript–it’s a liar!  How can you compare the mundane character of le District de Columbia to the dashing figure I cut?

HOST:  I don’t know, there are a lot of great family attractions in Washington.  The Washington Monument, the U.S. Mint . . .

DSK:  Say, could I change some of my euros for dollars there?

HOST:  Sure.  Just buy something at the gift shop.  To return to the subject, this isn’t the first time you’ve been accused of making untoward advances towards a woman.

DSK:  You contradict yourself.  I cannot advance towards a woman and untowards at the same time.

HOST:  I meant “unwelcome.”  Like the chambermaid in New York, Nafissatou Diallo.

DSK:  Now that one still has me scratching my head.  That’s what chambermaids are for!  As your slacker-youth would say, “Duh!”

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HOST:  And then she turned out to be a “lady of the evening” . . .

DSK:  Even during the day!

HOST:  You seem to have a hard time distinguishing between prostitutes and those who have sex for money only within the traditional parameters of marriage or dinner and a movie–why is that?

DSK:  It’s so hard to meet nice girls.

HOST:  Have you tried church or volunteer community groups?

DSK:  Please . . . do you think I want to date someone who smells like Irish Spring deodorant soap and wears Uggs?

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         Just don’t–okay?

 

HOST:  Chacun a son gout.

DSK:  You speak Francais.

HOST:  Un peu.

DSK:  And it comes out in italics–you’re like a mini-Eurozone!

HOST:  Merci.  One last question: you have suffered, perhaps more than any man in recent memory, at the hands of dishonest and duplicitous women.

DSK:  I know.

HOST:  Any advice for young boys just starting out in the horndog business?

DSK:  Well, I would tell them a little old rhyme from one of your American “blues” songs I heard once.

HOST:  How does it go?

DSK:  Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.  There ain’t no woman that a man can trust.

HOST:  Very apropos.  It’s like our great folk poet Louis Jordan said.

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DSK:  Louis Jourdain, the multi-talented intellectual, director and actor in a leading man’s body?

HOST:  No, Louis Jordan, the multi-talented singer, songwriter and alto sax player with the irrepressibly comic face.

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DSK:  Don’t know him.  What did he say?

HOST:  “Ain’t that just like a woman.”

DSK:  Ha!

HOST:  That’s all for tonight.  Be sure and tune in to next week’s edition of Sympathy for the Horn Dog, featuring Bill Cosby.

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