By Stacia Friedman
Republican presidential candidates have mandated that all refugees to the U.S. pass the following test of Judeo Christian Values.
- The Constitution guarantees the right to: A) Equal pay for women; B) Drive a car that you won’t own for five years; C) Buy a gun online and shoot up a movie theater
- America affirms the sanctity of life by: A) Threatening to close down Planned Parenthood; B) Pricing life-saving drugs beyond the reach of most patients; C) Providing affordable healthcare and medication just across the border in Canada and Mexico.
- In America, anyone can grow up to become President except: A) A Muslim; B) A Buddhist; C) A Jew named Bernie.
- America became the world’s leading economy in its first 100 years due to the institution of: A) Prayer; B) Free Enterprise; C) Slavery.
- America owes a debt of gratitude to: A) The Chinese for bankrolling us; B) Native Americans for giving us all their land under the threat of mass genocide; C) Israel for sharing their intelligence regarding Mideast terrorism; D) All of the above.
- America refused to let Jewish Holocaust refugees into the US because: A) There were already enough delis from sea to shining sea; B) They were afraid that stale challah would be smuggled into the country; C) They thought Jews would be a lot happier in a desert surrounded by warring Arab tribes.
- The most important American holiday is: A) Thanksgiving; B) Christmas; C) The 4th of July; C) The day you receive your tax refund.
- Patriotic Americans always: A) Stand up when they sing the National Anthem. B) Take their hats off in Church; C) Disrobe when going through airport security; D) Carry concealed weapons when dining at Denny’s.
- Women in America are free to: A) Drive cars while talking on cell phones and applying mascara; B) Surgically enlarge their breasts to the size of cantaloupes; C) Have abortions in every state as long as they use a coat hanger and don’t spend anyone’s tax dollars; D) All of the above.
- Congress has responded to the fact that 31 Americans are murdered by guns everyday by: A) Telling those 31 individuals to stay home; B) Encouraging elementary school teachers to arm themselves; C) Kicking the gun lobbies out of the Capital; D) Enacting sane gun legislation; E) Pretending that the bigger threat to our well-being are Syrian refugees on the other side of the world.
Stacia Friedman is the founding editor of DailyLobotomy