“I’m like an elephant, I never forget,” said Donald Trump. “If I remember seeing thousands of Muslims cheering in Jersey on 9/11, who’s to say it didn’t happen? You can’t fact-check memory!”
“Yes, but you can fact-check the media,” said This Reporter.
“So, the media got it wrong. Wouldn’t be the first time,” said Trump.
“However, you said you saw that event on television. If it was televised, where are the clips?” asked This Reporter.
“Don’t ask me!” said Trump. “I’m not the media. I’m just the world’s largest generator of media worthy comments since the Kardashians. I get more Tweets than Kim K.”
“You accused President Obama of wanting to allow over 200,000 Syrian refugees into the country. Where did you get that number from?” said This Reporter.
“I remembered it,” said Trump.
“Yes, but from what?” asked This Reporter.
“I have very smart people working for me. They keep me informed,” said Trump.
“But suppose, just suppose, they are feeding you lies?” said This Reporter.
“Look at the polls! They don’t lie! I’m so far in front, Carson couldn’t catch up to me even if he sat on a firecracker.” Said Trump.
“But you’re remarks have alienated Hispanics, Muslims and women and anyone who has a college degree,” said This Reporter.
“So? Those people aren’t my base. My strongest appeal is with white, high school dropouts and Wall Street,” said Trump.
“What do those two groups have in common?” asked This Reporter.
“Neither gives a rat’s ass about anyone other than themselves and both think I walk on water,” said Trump.
“How is it possible to be the savior of both the poorest and wealthiest Americans?” asked This Reporter.
“By screwing the middle class. Nobody really cares about them except Bernie Sanders and he already set his own pants on fire by telling everyone he’s a Socialist,” said Trump. “And his hair? I mean, really. It looks like it was cut by his wife.”
“Speaking of hair,” said This Reporter, “I noticed that when you appeared in Sarasota, you wore a red baseball cap. Why is that?”
“There was a lot of wind and my stylist was afraid my comb-over might fly off and enter the Bermuda Triangle,” said Trump.
“What about that elephant? Who’s idea was that?” said This Reporter.
“The one that was at your Sarasota event,” said This Reporter.
“I didn’t see any elephant,” said Trump. “More to the point, I don’t remember any elephant. So, for all purposes, it was not there.”
“Whether you remember the elephant or not, it got national media attention, because of the words painted on its side like a billboard,” said This Reporter.
“What did it say?” asked Trump.
“It said, ‘Trump Make America Great Again,’” said This Reporter.
“Can’t argue with that, but it never happened,” said Trump. “If it had, my people would’ve told me and I have great people working for me.”
“Actually, sir, the elephant was viewed as a campaign stunt. The general consensus is that you are turning your campaign into a media circus and that your staff arranged to have the elephant at the event,” said This Reporter.
“That’s not the way the Trump organization works,” he said. “I run a high class operation. If I wanted to create a circus, I wouldn’t have just one geriatric, white washed elephant. I’d have a dozen elephants ridden by beautiful women in highly revealing, sequined costumes with ostrich plumes in their hair. I’d have aerial acts that would knock your eyes out, Chinese contortionists and fire eaters.”
“You think that’s appropriate for someone seeking nomination to the highest office in the land?” asked This Reporter.
“What can I say? I’m a crowd pleaser,” said Trump. “People are afraid of Syrian refugees. I won’t let them in. They’re afraid of Mexicans. I’ll kick them out. They’re very upset about the Planned Parenthood video, I’ll shut the centers down. You want a stock market tip? Invest in coat hangers. They’re going to be HUGE!”
“Are you at all concerned about the New Hampshire Union Leader’s endorsement of Chris Christie?” asked This Reporter.
Trump gave a Bronx cheer.
“I love Christie but he can’t direct traffic in his own state,” said Trump. “The economy in Jersey is tanking and the governor is just one Double Cheese Whopper away from being the Biggest Loser in the Republican primary.”
“Christie was very popular immediately following 9/11 and they say that the attacks in Paris have voters more interested in foreign policy than economics,” said This Reporter.
“I have no memory of Christie doing anything constructive about 9/11. I only remember millions of Muslims holding tail-gating parties on the Jersey Turnpike, tying up traffic for miles,” said Trump.
“That never happened,” said This Reporter. “There were no Muslim tail-gaiting parties or tie-ups on the Turnpike after 9/11.”
“Ah, but I remember it so well!”
Stacia Friedman is the founding editor of DailyLobotomy.com.