I’m sure some of you out there in blogland are wondering about me, specifically why this clever aging woman with a forked tongue writes such hilariously relevant personal histoires. And the truth is that I’ve been wondering about that myself. After all, I have better things to do, such as take out the garbage, clean up the cat poop and write The Great American Novel.
But somehow for the past few years–my silly boomer mind is struggling to recall the exact number of wasted years–I’ve carved time out of my day to detail all the meaningful events of my life. Remember that gripping selfie I added to the site about how I nearly electrocuted myself with a paper clip? Of course I was only a self-absorbed teen at the time, but who knew I was subconsciously aiming to cause The Next East Coast Blackout? I was always ambitious.
Which is why I’ve recently realized that it’s high time I shared some of my deepest secrets. So, before I decide to seal my lips forever and retreat to that lonely place in my over-educated mind where I hide when life sucks, I’m pulling out all the stops and revealing ten things in the past that still make me chuckle and guffaw:
1. Jack Lemmonn’s lines in “Some Like it Hot.”
2. Diary entries from my preteen years.
3. Why I continue to keep a 22-year-old Size 8 dress next to my Xtra-large stretchie pants.
4. SNL repeats I spurned the first time around.
5. Cruel twists of irony (my that’s-so-awful-it’s-funny take) that involve one narcissistic sister, her three children’s expensive religious educations followed by two mixed marriages in which at least one spouse absolutely rejects his ethnic heritage)
6. Why I ever worried about bathtub ring
7. All the witty, cogent remarks I could have uttered if I’d only opened my mouth
8. Unthinkable acts I’ve committed such as signing on the dotted line just because someone asked me to; throwing out used pantyhose because it’s easier than trying to wash it in the kitchen sink and then discovering a huge hole in the crotch; and driving to the mailbox because I’m too “tired” to walk 1/2 block with the Lab.
9. Nostalgia for the days when I slept on 20 rollers, watched Godzilla destroy a few cities and thought the worst thing that could happen was not having a date for New Year’s Eve
10. Embarrassing moments such as asking my BFF to run the water while I painfully tried to go #1 while on a seven day school campout at Stokes National Forest somewhere in NJ.
No, I’m not done, but I think I’ll stop here. This non-stop laughing is making me wish I’d had a more privileged childhood.