Languages my wife speaks fluently: 1) English 2) silent treatments 3) disappointed sighs
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 9, 2015
I just realized the year 2000 was 15 years ago. Excuse me while I pull my pants up to my armpits and buy a coffin.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 9, 2015
Me: I have love in my heart. 4-year-old: You’re supposed to have blood in there. Me: 4: Are you going to die?
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 9, 2015
4-year-old: Can I wear my big snow boots? Me: It’s not snowing. 4: I might need to kick things.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 9, 2015
Me: Cleaning up your toys is your job. 4-year-old: Does that mean I get paid? Me: No, this job is for free. 4: I quit.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 9, 2015
From http://t.co/VWBH85uwGZ 6/18/14: pic.twitter.com/JI0SLHAcc8
— James Breakwell (@James_Breakwell) December 12, 2014