A Rolling Kidney Stone Gathers No Moss

I know what this is like, and it isn't fun.
I know what this is like, and it isn’t fun.

I just turned 51 years old and am on my way up to the crest of the hill and about to go over it. To top it off I’ve had a bad week. I spent a day in the emergency room as my overweight and bloated ass was trying to pass a kidney stone. Was it painful? I would rather have been in the hospital for being shot. That is almost not an exaggeration.

I feel that I was basically well cared for at the hospital except that the staff let me languish in pain for almost an hour after being diagnosed. I could feel the internal area around my kidney going through spasms so wildly that my stomach was visibly quivering and my blood pressure was spiking.

This happened at a Catholic hospital so I am pretty sure, as the word of Jesus came down from the speakers in the drop-ceiling, that it was their procedure to string patients out from the insanity of pain so much that they would eventually call out to God for help. I was happy to oblige the situation and was rewarded with three pain shots. I guess that’s one way to attempt to gain converts although I’m not sure that it is the best way to make friends.

The tests indicated that the kidney stone was a punctate and was already 90% down the flow of the urinary path of being completely out. Therefore, I was basically told to go home, get some rest, and yes, that this too shall pass.

Of course, it is true that everything does pass eventually; even life. That is why we call dying, “passing-away.” Hopefully I’ll manage not to piss the rest of my life away any too soon.

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17 thoughts on “A Rolling Kidney Stone Gathers No Moss”

  1. I was also 51 when I had a kidney stone attack–while sitting in an H&R Block office having my taxes done. It hurt so bad that it was two weeks before I could write a humor column. The kidney stone hurt, too.

      1. Ain’t that the truth.

        Here’s something fun and ironic: I think I’m in the early stages of my second one right now. It’s like talking about the devil, and making him appear.

        1. Oh man, this was my second as well. It seemed like the pain was more acute this time although it passed much more quickly and with less discomfort once it broke loose than the last time.

          1. I’m not sure about this one: It’s the same kind of pain, in the same place, but not nearly as severe as last time. Maybe I’m trapped in the phantom stone?

  2. I once upchucked a kidney stone. Doctor confirmed. Swallowing semi-ground glass was less painful. Granted, it wasn’t in a Catholic medical facility, so I didn’t have your luck of hearing “Jesus on Line 3” over the bullhorns. #FeelYourPain

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