Business reacts swiftly to restrain employees

The Onion reported an important story on a new set of health guidelines recommending that office workers stand up at their desks, leave the office and never return. While this promises to be a breakthrough for improved health of workers, it is not such healthy news for corporate America. The fact is, workers are difficult to replace when they walk away in mobs.

Here’s a quote from Michael Scott of Dunder Mifflin, “We honestly never saw this coming when we installed those fancy ergonomic desks.”

Faced with empty cubicles, business has reacted swiftly to stem the tide of this mass turnover.

• All adjustable desks have been locked in the down position enforcing a new rule of mandatory sitting.
• Instead of clocking in, employees are clicking in to their office chairs equipped with seat belts (optional harness for especially feisty employees).
• Exercise is encouraged in new ways:
  • Kegel exercise instructions to improve bladder control are now posted above everyone’s workstation.
  • Organized intramural thumb wrestling tournaments help keep fingers strong and improve team spirit.
• The word freedom has been banned from all office correspondence, and birthday cakes will now pass through a metal detector to discourage smuggling escape tools.
• Full spectrum lighting has been installed to compensate for lack of sun exposure now that lunchtime walks are forbidden.

Five unexpected benefits:

1. Productivity has improved with elimination of useless trips to the copier, coffee pot and the can.
2. Scooting around in the office chair is great aerobic exercise and strengthens legs.
3. With room for only one chair by the water cooler, office gossip is at an all time low.
4. Corporate image soared when an inspirational news story showed seated employees packing up anti-fatigue mats to send to third world countries.
5. There are rumors that with new non-ambulatory corporate culture, NBC’s The Office will go back into production.

Now that companies have had this dramatic epiphany, they have redefined the characteristics of a healthy employee, and stopped fussing about escalating health care costs. They are much more appreciative of plump workers with a tendency toward elevated blood sugars, clogged arteries, and lack of motivation. This is what I call a win-win situation.

What do you think?