CONFESSIONS OF A FORMER SARAH PALIN SUPPORTER

This is an open letter to all other citizens of the United States: our Governor is better looking than your Governor.

That’s it- period. No questions asked.

In fact, our Governor is a pretty hot chick. Of course, in Alaska, any woman
standing on both legs and having her own teeth is usually a hot enough babe to
we single guys living here. Still, Governor Palin is exceptional. Despite
glasses and an educated aura about her, she is still a sensuous beauty. The
glasses and her aura just make her seem wonderfully chaste and pure just like
Catholic girls in their plaid skirts seemed to us boys in the non-parochial
schools. Chaste and pure, that’s a personification our last Governor
Murkowski could never have pulled off. Palin is also quite curvy, but we’re
not supposed to notice that in our leader. The male in us notices it anyway; we
can’t help it.

Now this isn’t that Ms. Palin isn’t a solid pretender to the throne.
She paid her dues being the mayor of Wasilla, which is the Chicago of Alaska. It
is a commuter community to Anchorage (our New York), yet stands on its own feet
as a lovely place made even lovelier by Ms. Palin’s presence. She has a good
head on her shoulders and a fair outlook on business and politics alike. It is
not like we in Alaska, being around 65% male, elected her solely for her looks
and charm, although it was real nice seeing those campaign posters of her sweet
smile all over town.

With such a cultured person as Ms. Palin in power we are apt to explode
several myths the rest of America has about Alaska at once. A lot of these
illusions are going to fall like dominoes now, starting with;

A. We are male dominated- Remember, the meanest critters in our woods are the
FEMALE bears and moose. The Alaskan human female falls in line somewhere after
the wolverine.

B. All Alaskans are ugly.- It has long been rumored that we all were hit a few
too many times with the bad end of an ugly stick. Take a good look at Ms. Palin
to realize the error of that belief, but not too long. She is OURS, we saw her
first.

C. We are backwoods ignoramuses.- No we isn’t!! Ms. Palin embodees all the
karackeristiks that a big city girl needs- sofustication, charmm, edumication
and poize. We don’t need no more than that. And the meaning of ‘big
city’ in Alaska means any place with its own fire department, library and
indoor plumbing.

D. We are not intellectuals.- Ms. Palin wears glasses and looks smart. That
means she is an intellectual in our book. That’s good enough.

E. That we are all hicks.- OK, you got us on that one. She isn’t Jesus
Christ for crying out loud! You can’t always make wine out of water.

F. That Alaska is redneck country.- Does that sweet neck look red? The worst
you’ll see adorning her shoulders is a quivit scarf. However she does have
an anchor tattoo on her upper arm- but you are not supposed to know that.

The electing of a female governor in Alaska might bring about a whole new
era in our history. Maybe men here will start exploring their feminine side and
you will start seeing Alaskan males knitting lace doilies for their log
furniture instead of tanning moose hides during the long winter months. Trappers
will reexamine their professions and start using catch and release methods.
solar panels and wind generators will sprout everywhere replacing generations of
dependence on oil drilling and wood stove heat. The lion shall lie down with the
lamb, or, in our case, the grizzly with the salmon, if that is possible.
Alaskans will band together, secede from the union and become our own country-
oops, you weren’t supposed to know about that either. We can’t have
Homeland Security knowing about our ‘Alaskans for Seceding from the Union
and Joining Canada Party’.

Of course, it is not that I’m playing a game of one upmanship by all
this. Just because our state is far bigger than any of yours, has more pristine
wilderness than yours does and has a higher percentile income doesn’t mean
that I am getting snooty on you. We will always give the lower 48 states credit
for having warmer winters, but then, almost anybody else would including
Frostbite Falls, Minnesota. You folks have the greater agricultural yield,
although pot is legal here now and we might surpass you on that count soon. You
‘southerners’ do have more good looking women than we do, which is a
very sore point with us, but, like the lonely soldiers of WW II alone in distant
lands, we now have our own pinup girl to help us get through our long lonely
winters. However, just to be neighborly, you could still send us some of your
women and thereby maybe help keep us in the union.