North Pole, December 2017 – There are problems afoot in the North Pole. On the Santa-Elf closed Facebook group page, a notice has been posted that has no one jingling with delight. Apparently, according to new US border rules, Santa and his elves need passports and visas to enter US borders on Christmas Eve.
“We never had this problem before,” said Dingle Elf, official counsel to Santa. “In all our years of Christmas giving, and we go back to the George Washington era, we never had to produce documentation to enter the United States air space or to land on individual roofs. We are concerned…and that’s an understatement.”
While US government officials are working feverishly to grant the necessary paperwork for Kris Kringle to cross the borders, other snafus have surfaced as well. Santa, the reindeer and especially Rudolph, with his signature red nose, have turned up on a terrorist watch list. The reason: said red nose is marked as a possible weapon of mass destruction. While Dingle Elf has produced ample assurances from NASA scientists and eminent zoologists that the nose is only a physical “abnormality” and poses no danger, the new administration is not convinced.
“I don’t know who these illegal folks think they are,” said President trump. “They want to fly into our country over our new wall and under cover of darkness, dropping packages down chimneys. You know what’s in those packages? Drugs. And while we are on this topic, these short North Pole people with the funny ears are also suspicious. I read online—so it has to be true—that the North Pole is a rebel part of Poland and an enemy of our favorite Russian friend, Vladimir Putin, and this makes them an enemy of the United States. If they come into this country, they will be detained at camps until permanent deportation processes are completed.”
“But Mr. president, the North Pole is nowhere near Poland. The North Pole is at the top of the world,” explained house speaker Paul Ryan who is still working toward a solution to save Santa in hopes that he might prevent his own soul from burning in hell. “I gave you the map of the world last week, remember? You need to know where all the countries are. It’s important sir.”
“I didn’t have time to look at the map. I was in a Twitter war with an 8-year-old who said Santa was better than me. I know my priorities. Who cares what this old guy thinks anyway!”
“You should care! You put him on a terrorist list, but he has two lists of his own and we don’t want to end up on the naughty one because on that list, we only get coal for Christmas, and while that plays well with a bunch of people who voted for us, we really want to be on the good list. That’s the list that gets us really cool stuff.”
“So, what are you saying Paul? Are you saying we let this guy come in to do as he pleases? Are you saying we let those flying animals into our country too? And what if he wants to bring in those elves? Look at their outfits. Look at their footwear. They don’t even wear Ivanka’s shoes…why should I let them in?”
“Well, sir. It’s up to you, but the people of the US have finally figured out a year after the election that they made a mistake. It might be in your best interest to let the Santa thing go and try to win back some support.”
“If I let Santa have his day, can we forget this presidency thing so I can go home to my Tower where everyone treats me like a king?”
“I’m sure Mike Pence has a plan in the works, sir – it’s in the works.”