How The Standoff In Oregon Ends

standoff

The internet Comments sections are abuzz with people offering ways to end the occupation of the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge in Oregon by militants. A range of approaches have been offered:

Martha: “Shut down the water, gas, and electricity. Jam the cell phone signals and wait for these Tealiban moochers to come out”.

Thom: “Just cut off the food supply…these guys will run home when the slim jims run out.”

Both of these people are off-base, especially Thom. The food supply should actually be increased and supplemented with jalapeno chili. Here’s why:

The number people involved in the siege can only be estimated. But it’s thought to be around two dozen (just like The Expendables do, the occupiers don’t provide precise numbers to preserve “operational security”). As in most visitor centers in remote areas, the one in the Malheur probably has two small restrooms (one for Men and one for Women). So, that means the ratio of people to restrooms is 12:1. Now, in my household the ratio is only 2:1 and our bathroom is in a constant state of crisis. And we’ve lived together for twenty years. So you can imagine the hell-fest of 24 strangers/acquaintances using two restrooms.

So, the feds should simply cut off the supply of cleaning products entering the refuge while simultaneously upping the supply of hot and spicy food. In a week’s time the restrooms at the visitor center will be worse than those in the Superdome after Hurricane Katrina.

At that point, only one further step is needed to end this thing — cut off the supply of toilet paper. That’ll do the trick (I can tell you from personal experience that sagebrush just doesn’t cut it). The standoff will end shortly after this exchange:

Bob: “We need you to cut up that flannel shirt, Ray. We’re all out of TP.”

Ray: “No way. My great-granddaddy passed this down to me. Just try and take it off my cold, dead back.”

Bob: “Okay, fine, I’ll just use some pages from your copy of the Constitution.”

Ray (pointing rifle at Bob): “Ain’t nobody in here wiping with no founding document.”

As Sun Tzu wrote in The Art Of War, “The weakest point among any group of people is always the bathroom.”

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4 thoughts on “How The Standoff In Oregon Ends”

  1. So you’re saying the Wildlife Refuge standoff will be solved by the call of nature?

    I know everyone’ll be relieved when the end is in sight.

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