Nothing says 1st World Greatness like Craigslist. | HumorOutcasts

Nothing says 1st World Greatness like Craigslist.

February 13, 2016
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Ahh Craigslist.  The symbol of everything Americans have worked for since the dawn of democracy.  My go to place for all things haggled.  I’ve seen some of it all.  The patriots on there have created a world where only the finest members of our dear civilized society socially engage without discord from their lesser.

What kills me about Craigslist is the stellar reputation of its clientele base!  Their track record on scams and safety accords are just top notch, especially on employment, sell-able merchandise, and apartments.  Responses are GREAT after an initial inquiry; its like every poster has a private secretary around the clock making sure you know where you stand every minute!  We should all commend ol’ Craig for having the last social vestige still left where people show you exactly the level of humanity they have and how they are going to give it to you.

I’m absolutely addicted to it.  It’s a great pick me up when you need a friendly reminder on the state of the union.

$450 Scratch & Sniff Lifestyle Couple Needs A Room

Hey Craigslist!

We’re an adult couple in an alternative scratch and sniff lifestyle looking for a new place to lay our heads without the hassle and burden of an apartment. We prefer very open minded liberal roomies that are real people with few hangups. We’re not into hardcore drinking and drugging, and mostly live a odor lifestyle, and don’t judge if you’re into that type of social scene and bringing it home.  Liquor smells great coming out the pores.

Oh yeah, we got jobby jobs and can pay the rent on time. Our scratch and sniff lifestyle doesn’t hinder our ability to work our crappy restaurant jobs.

We want out of our roommates cool people we can get along with, that can disconnect from social media long enough to have a conversation and smell around the house. We are looking for real people that still act as such; real people behavior, like nose dripping and wiping it off with a free hand while sniffing the remnants, scratching the crack of your ass if it itches after a good dump (and even smelling it out of curiosity), sweaty crotch scratching and sniffing, that type of thing. Prefer people not ashamed of their bodies and won’t go into a rapist fit about nudity. Just letting the hemorrhoids all hang out. Don’t worry, whatever is on our hands won’t be smeared all over the place or feces slung like monkeys at the zoo. We wipe it up after we catch the scent as we are very clean.

MUST BE INTO WESSON VEGETABLE OIL OUTSIDE OF THE KITCHEN!!!!

If you think you can hang and Namaste with us, we are willing to do 400 for the room, 450 total including utilities. Like animals, specifically skunks and aardvarks, but cats, dogs, rabbits, ferrets are okay. Bugs are a No-No, pet or otherwise. WILL KILL WITH HOT SHOT SPRAY fish tank or not!!!!
Need to move by the 15th.

Hope to smell you later.

Gwendolyn L. Spelvin

Gwendolyn L. Spelvin is a philosopher of the Edward Bernays Century of Self, a follower of Sigmund Freud’s explorations of the subconscious mind through chemical means, and an avid enthusiast of Adolph Hitler’s short-lived ballet career before he rose through the ranks of the Third Reich. Spelvin had dedicated her post academic career as an innovative writer that creates a written vision to prove misanthropic tendencies works with an audience, crafting a message that sways public approval towards her client’s products to the guarantee of the masses blindly supporting the company agenda without them knowing it. A dirty job, but someone has to pacify the idiots who know not what they blindly support into a continuing trek of oblivion. Last, but not least, Spelvin is a firm believer in the annihilation of the JUSTIN BELIBERS. Currently she is working on her cookbook, To Serve A Hot Man: Jeffrey Dahmer's Classic Recipes due out this Christmas.

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