Shoot for the Stars | HumorOutcasts

Shoot for the Stars

February 28, 2016
By

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The 2016 Presidential race is not the first to embrace the concept of replacing professionals (i.e. Washington insiders) with people devoid of experience.  Back in the mid 70s, Libyan dictator Gaddafi issued a decree demanding that all professionals, including college professors, be replaced by farmers and vice versa.

Rather than having a panic attack over the very real possibility of putting the nuclear button in the hand of a political novice who never ran for office, practiced law or served in the military, let’s take a deep breadth and look at the other ways to put experienced professionals where they belong. In the unemployment line!

If you’re fed up with your current car mechanic, why not replace him with a florist? He won’t know much about transmissions, but he will send you a stunning bouquet when your Prius dies.

And aren’t you sick and tired of going to medical specialists who make you sit in a reception room for forty-five minutes reading back issues of Yachting World? Why trust your gall bladder to a Board Certified surgeon when you can have it removed in a jiffy by a manicurist?

Anyone who has planned a wedding knows that professional caterers take advantage. Don’t go that route! The next time you need to entertain business associates or celebrate a special event, forget about lollipop lamb chops and chocolate fountains.  Ask a local Girl Scout troop to provide a spread. So what if it turns out to be peanut butter and jelly? While you’re at it, fire the CPA who does your taxes and ask your gardener to do them. It doesn’t matter if his English is rusty. This will be a learning experience for both of you!

You’ve probably been going to the same hair stylist for years because you like the results. That’s no reason to stick with the status quo. Think how exciting it will be to have your hair styled by someone who’s never held a scissors in their hand before! Say, a SEPTA bus driver?  Or your dry cleaner?

Nobody likes lawyers, even if you are one. All the more reason to entrust your important legal matters to someone who thinks a tort is a dessert. Yes, I am suggesting that you confer with a waiter or waitress regarding estate planning, divorce, mergers and acquisitions. People in the food service industry may not know much about the legal system, but they’ll give you great advice. Especially about the day’s Specials.

Speaking of professionals we dread, isn’t it time to cut loose your dentist? There is no shortage of people who’d be thrilled to poke around your mouth. Your mail carrier, for instance. Or the boy who bags your groceries.  Why let someone drill into your skull just because they have a framed degree from a prestigious dental school?  Let’s giving drilling rights to Community College dropouts!

And who is to blame for the crisis in education if not our teachers? (Certainly, not parents!) Let’s replace public school teachers with bartenders. Who knows better how to control an immature crowd, a punch fest or sex in the bathroom?

Finally, enough of gun violence! Let’s replace Philadelphia’s finest with Eagles’ fans armed with baseball bats. These guys aren’t afraid of anyone, especially after a few hours of tailgating.

Rather than view the current political climate as the Dumbing Down of America, I see this national attack on “insiders” as an opportunity. I’ve always longed to be an astronaut!  Now, in spite of my claustrophobia, fear of heights and the fact that my grade in college Physics was a D+, I see no reason not to aim for the stars!

Stacia Friedman is the founding editor of DailyLobotomy.com. 

 

 

 

 

 

Stacia Friedman

I'm a shameless freelance writer and author of "Tender is the Brisket" and "Nothing Toulouse." In past lifetimes, I was a fashion designer in New York and drove a Good Humor Ice Cream truck. I aspire to a life of wanton indulgence. In the meantime, I write for revenge and profit.

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One Response to Shoot for the Stars

  1. Kathy Minicozzi
    February 29, 2016 at 1:11 am

    I always wanted to be an Olympic figure skater. I am now 70 years old and overweight, but what the hell! I think I’d look really cute in one of those spangly outfits, making circles on the ice and hoping they were the circles I was trying to make.

    People always complain about the way I slide through life, so why not make it official?



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