TRUMP VOWS TO AVENGE WISCONSIN PRIMARY LOSS; GOVERNOR AGREES

ALLENTOWN, PA—After nearly being shut out of the Wisconsin primary, and losing all but 6 of its delegates to opponent Ted Cruz, Donald Trump vowed to avenge his loss by waterboarding all those “fat, disgusting cheese-head wearing pigs who voted against me,” during his first thirty days in office as President of the United States.

“What we are going to do is build a big—huge, actually, it’s going to be huge—water-boarding facility right on the banks of the Mississippi River. And guess who is going to pay for it? That’s right. The state of Wisconsin. In order to make America great again, we can’t have an entire state going against the will of the rest of the country, and believe me, the rest of the country is for me. They love me. In fact, they have said I am the best candidate who has ever run for President in this country. In the world, even,” said Mr. Trump at a campaign stop in western Pennsylvania.

When asked about the constitutionality of water-boarding our own citizens for voting in a democratic election, Trump responded, “Look, I know the Constitution. I know the Constitution better than anyone. Everyone says that. I could tweet out the Constitution if I wanted to do it because I know it so well, and what I am hearing from my people—and they are very trustworthy people, very rich people—is that we could make it work in Wisconsin. In fact, someone very reliable came to me the other day and told me the state had not even been ratified appropriately into our union. So, we may be looking at more illegal aliens. These people may not even be citizens, which would make the entire vote null and void. I wouldn’t be surprised, I tell you. Wisconsin has rapists and murderers living there.”

In response to the news, Wisconsin officials reacted swiftly. Almost immediately, Brad Schimel, the state’s Attorney

General, issued a statement condemning Trump and his followers. “This type of rhetoric is exactly what is wrong with this nation,” read the statement. However, Wisconsin Governor, Scott Walker, called a press conference to announce he would be forming a committee to investigate the possibility of water-boarding citizens who wronged him as well.