6-year-old: I can’t reach anything.
Me: You’re too small.
6: I’m the right size. The world is too big.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 5, 2016
4-year-old: Why do I have to get dressed today?
Me: You have to get dressed every day.
She's still on the floor.
I ruined her entire life
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 5, 2016
Wife: How was your day?
[flashback to me chasing the dog around the yard with a hose because he had diarrhea and rolled in it]
Me: Normal.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 5, 2016
Coworker: Why did you have so many kids?
Me: My wife can’t keep her hands off me.
Coworker: Was she trying to strangle you?
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 5, 2016
When I panic the most:
3) my boss sneaks up on me
2) I can't find a kid
1) I get to the front of a fast food line & I haven't decided yet
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 5, 2016
Ahh, the kids are back! And your house is still standing?
Negative. They burned it down and I had to rebuild it by hand. That’s why it took me so long to get back.
Your 4 year old gets me.