What Your Favorite Color Says About You

I was cleaning out my closet when I discovered this…

Don’t bother counting. There are 8. Plus this one makes 9.

Then I started looking around my house and made a few other discoveries like this unnecessary amount of Earl Grey tea …

and these swatches of grey paint I was considering for my walls.

I also noticed that my favorite medical drama was playing on TV.

And that’s not all—my first professional writing job was at Grey Advertising, my favorite HBO film is Grey Gardens and I’m fascinated with great white sharks, which should just be called great grey sharks.

The whole thing stressed me out and when I went to pour myself a drink I realized that all we had was Grey Goose vodka.

What the fuck is wrong with me?! So I Google’d it (because Google is my therapist) and the first thing that popped up was an article about color psychology that says I’m an indecisive, boring, commitment phobe.

Seems like a harsh accusation coming from someone who uses four colors in a six-letter name.

That’s when I decided to come up with my own color psychology using nothing but twisted narcissistic insight and a complete lack of scientific truth—just call me L. Ron Hubbard.

So do you want to know what The Spew says your favorite color says about you? Of course you do because, like me, you rely on inane Internet quizzes to validate your existence.

Awesome! Here we go…

RED
You’re a slut. And you probably love red wine. So you’re a drunk slut. But that’s a good thing because who doesn’t love a drunk slut? Plus, if you’re willing to put out you’ll get really far in life.

BLUE
You’re so boring even the drunk slut won’t sleep with you. You should also consider a career in childcare because who wouldn’t pay someone a six figure salary to bore their toddler to sleep every night.

GREEN
You love camping! What the hell is wrong with you? Society has come way too far for any of us to have to endure the horrors of sleeping in the woods (or vaginal childbirth). So just get a hotel room (and a c-section) and let the serial killers and spiders live peacefully in their natural habitat—like God intended.

PURPLE
You’re a big gay dinosaur from the 90s who helped create a whole generation of highly annoying 20-somethings who think they know everything and that Friends is retro TV. Everyone hates you. Everyone.

PINK
Seriously? Nobody wears pink except 2 year olds and poodles.

YELLOW
You and that stupid purple dinosaur should get together and come up with ways to annoy people with your sickeningly optimistic views on life. And then you should call that jerk that loves green and let the serial killers and the spiders murder you in the woods.

BLACK
Black is literally every color in the world combined and while Google accuses people who love grey of being indecisive you should really take a long hard look at your obvious inability to choose a favorite color.

GREY
Despite what Google (and your husband) say, people love you! You’re beautiful, charming and witty. You have a magnetic personality, an amazing sense of humor and you’re devastatingly beautiful. But most importantly, you have awesome taste in sweat attire. So knock back that glass of Grey Goose and celebrate you, you sexy bitch!