What If Parents Bickered the Way Kids Do? | HumorOutcasts

What If Parents Bickered the Way Kids Do?

January 18, 2016
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I am in Bickering Hell.

My two teen boys (15 and 18) should be well past the little-kid stage of incessant bickering over insanely stupid things, like whose sneakers smell worse or who got more soda. Yet, some days, within seconds of waking up, they’re in each other’s faces, arguing over, well, everything. They inflict more verbal jabs than a Donald Trump campaign speech.

No, I didn’t. Yes, you did. No, I didn’t! Well you started it. You’re a dorkwad. Yeah, well you’re an idiot. MOM!

Please, just make it stop.

In the wise words of Rodney King, “Can we all just get along?”

Apparently not.

Can you just imagine if parents spent the entire day relentlessly squabbling over Seinfeldesque trivialities? We might bicker over:

  1. Who should go out in their pajamas to get the newspaper.
  2. Who gets to read the entertainment section first.
  3. Who started the tickle fight that ended up with someone getting elbowed in the eye.
  4. Who gets to shower first.
  5. Whose short-and-curly is stuck to the bar of soap.
  6. Who misplaced the Powerball ticket with four matching numbers on it.
  7. Who should run to Lowe’s to pick up drywall screws in the middle of the bathroom remodeling project.
  8. Who gets to sit in the passenger seat while we run errands together.
  9. Whether we should listen to classic 80s rock or John Tesh’s Intelligence for Your Life on the car radio.
  10. Who forgot to bring the “free taco” coupon when we went out for lunch at Tijuana Flats.
  11. What time the neighbors should come over for a swim.
  12. Who should run out for more chips and salsa now that we’re all in the pool.
  13. What time the neighbors should leave so we don’t have to feed them dinner.
  14. How to fold the pool towels the “right” way.
  15. Who ate the last square of Ghirardelli Dark Chocolate and Sea Salt.
  16. Who had the harder major in college.
  17. Whether Van Halen was better with or without David Lee Roth.
  18. Whether we should bag the grass clippings or let them lay on the lawn.
  19. Which route to Costco is faster.
  20. Whether Miley Cyrus ruined or revamped her career by twerking.
  21. Who has to cook dinner tonight.
  22. Who gets the bigger glass of wine.
  23. Who gets to drink out of the only frosted mug left in the freezer.
  24. Who forgot to record Shark Tank.
  25. Whether Jimmy Fallon or Jimmy Kimmel is funnier.
  26. Who gets to lay on the bigger couch when we watch TV.
  27. Who should get up and turn the fan on.
  28. Whether Friends or Seinfeld was the best sitcom ever.
  29. Who was sicker the last time we all had the flu.
  30. Who coughs the loudest.
  31. Who has to run back out at 10pm to pick up milk for tomorrow’s breakfast.
  32. Who has to get up at 3am to investigate that loud bump we just heard downstairs.

The insanity of hearing two adults engaged in non-stop petty fights is enough to drive . . . . Wait a minute – if we play it right, our parent version of Family Feud might just drive our teens out of the house for the day, ensuring at least 8-10 hours of quiet bliss. Hmmm, methinks a solution is at hand.

For more of my humor, go here.

Lisa Beach

Lisa Beach is a freelance writer, blogger, mother of two teenagers, and recovering stay-at-home mom/homeschooler who lived to write about it. Check out www.TweeniorMoments.com, Lisa’s humor blog about midlife, family, friends and all the baggage that goes with it.

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12 Responses to What If Parents Bickered the Way Kids Do?

  1. January 21, 2016 at 1:44 pm

    Just know it’s the testosterone talking.

    • January 21, 2016 at 3:30 pm

      Haha! Maybe, but it doesn’t make it any easier to listen to 24/7.

  2. January 21, 2016 at 1:26 pm

    Well this is depressing. My girls are 5 and 3. I was kind of hoping it would end.

    • January 23, 2016 at 11:33 am

      Sorry, Travis. I think I’ve just snuffed out the light at the end of the hope tunnel for you.

  3. January 21, 2016 at 10:30 am

    I’m embarrassed to admit, but sometimes my husband and I do bicker over that dumb stuff. Oh well, after 35 years of marriage, it happens. Fun post.

    • January 23, 2016 at 11:34 am

      Thanks, Laurie. I’ve occasionally done the same thing with my hubby. But it’s my teens’ round-the-clock bickering that’s driving me batty.

  4. January 21, 2016 at 9:51 am

    What a great list–show those teenagers how to do it right!

    • January 21, 2016 at 10:29 am

      Thanks, Roxanne. I really should take my role as a mentor more seriously. 😉

  5. Bill Spencer
    January 19, 2016 at 9:38 am

    Adults have bicker and better things to do.

    • January 20, 2016 at 8:55 am

      I can’t argue with that, Bill.

  6. Kathy Minicozzi
    January 18, 2016 at 6:18 pm

    I say go for it! It might even be fun. At least it would give you, as a humor writer, a fertile subject to write about! 😉

    • January 18, 2016 at 7:30 pm

      Kathy, I’ve already compiled a mental list of stupid things I can fight about with my husband.



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