“If you take care of your body, it will take care of you.” – Someone annoying and in much better shape than you.
I can’t tell you how many times I have heard that quote. I used to laugh at crap like this until I moved into my early 40s. Now every bad decision I make seems to come with these highly annoying real-world consequences. Suddenly small print is hard to read, my joints are aching, and trips to the bathroom have become a Choose Your Own Adventure book where all the choices end in “moist underwear with a little bit of pee in them”.
This hasn’t gone unnoticed by my wife, who has vowed to engage Triple Secret Wife Nag Mode if I don’t get off my ass and start taking care of myself. This took me by surprise because:
1.) I didn’t realize my breakdown was that obvious.
2.) Somehow my wife has and even higher nag level than “I am all up in your mix, all the time.”
Trembling with fear at the prospect of more nagging and stained moist underwear, I quickly began to formulate my “Get in Shape 2017: No, Seriously. I’m Totally Gonna Do It This Time” plan.
According to most fitness magazines and websites, it’ll take me 21 days to lock in successful habits, and I can also have rock-hard sexy abs using 5 simple exercises I can do at home. Of course, both of these things are horseshit. Doing something for 21 days is easy and doesn’t lock in a damn thing. Its the other 9,356 days that are hard to maintain. As for my abs, 3 of those 5 exercises better involve bacon or my chances of bringing sexy back are extremely low. These revelations quickly made me wonder, what else aren’t they telling me?
They tell you that 50% of the battle of the bulge is simply getting out of the house to go to the gym. What they don’t tell you is that a chubby person like myself has a 75% chance of ending up in the McDonald’s drive through or sitting in the car and crying into an empty sleeve of “breakfast Oreos”,
They tell you that getting in shape and looking good is 80% diet. “Eat this, not that” is your magic window to weight loss. What they don’t tell you is that 73% of that requires you to eat kale, monk fruit, and obscure cauliflower based Franken-Foods. Did you know you can “rice” cauliflower or mash it up like potatoes and you can’t really tell the difference? Of course you haven’t, it’s total bullshit. They all taste like cauliflower, which blows. Cauliflower also smells horrendous and will turn your house into a 2,000 square foot fart factory every time you open the fridge to eat the leftovers.
Finally some good news. Based on that previous stat, only 20% actually requires me to exercise! Sweet! That is my least favorite part. Now factor in the 20% chance of me actually doing it and it zeroes out nicely. This should save my wife weeks of inhaling the biting yet romantic menthol scent of Ben Gay slathered on my sore muscles.
You will definitely hear that if you buy these $100 worth on DVDs that anyone at any fitness level can become ripped like Brad Pitt from fight club. You just buy these things, do the “simple workout routines” and in no time you will be a swimsuit model.
What they don’t tell you is that you have a better chance learning particle physics in 90 days than you do completing any these things. They might as well be honest and just call themselves “The Official Exercise Program of Trump University”. I have’t even discussed the cost. Hopefully the bank will give you a free towel for your workouts after you take out the second mortgage required to buy the DVDs, all the new food you have to eat, and all the various workout do-dads that must be purchased and installed all over your house. But hey, you have a 5% chance of 6 pack abs so why the fuck not, right?
Now that I am armed with this new knowledge, I finally feel like I have a better chance at success with this, my 753rd attempt at a lifestyle change. I know some people like to add meaning to these things and call it a “journey”, but it isn’t. “Its day 5 of my Journey, and I did spin today!” That’s not a journey, its an exercise class. Jumping into a combination Sherman Tank/Giant Drill and tearing ass toward the center of the earth while battling C.H.U.D.S and Morlocks with The Rock is a journey. Improving your diet and exercising is just common sense. Anyway, with any luck, I will drop some weight and hopefully keep that nag quotient level down as much as possible, at least until football season starts.