Another installment of “Scenes from a boomer marriage” | HumorOutcasts

Another installment of “Scenes from a boomer marriage”

June 21, 2017
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Where does the time go? Hubs and I recently celebrated our 20th anniversary. Two decades! Not that I doubted we could do it. I just can’t believe this much time has passed.

Part of what’s made our marriage last, IMO, is that we laugh together—a lot—inspiring this haiku:

The secret sauce for
long-term relationships has
got to be laughter.

Here are a few examples of what’s cracked us up lately:

Scene #1:

I’m in my home office, working, while Hubs is in the adjacent living room. I get an email letting me know that an item we bought online is on its way.

Me: Hey, our table has shipped.

Hubs: Mine’s working just fine.

Me: Huh? What do you mean?

Hubs: I mean I’m having no trouble getting on the internet.

Me: What does that have to do with the fact that our table has shipped?

Hubs: Oh. I thought you said, “Our cable is shit.”

Scene #2

As a result of a “white” low-fiber diet as part of my colonoscopy prep, I get a yeast infection. Since Hubs does the grocery shopping, I ask him to pick up some Monistat cream at the supermarket. He graciously agrees to do so, but then he calls from the store.

Hubs (in a near-whisper): So I’m in the feminine products aisle at the store, and I’m confused.

Me: I can barely hear you—what?

Hubs (a little louder): I’m looking at all these things of, uh, you know, medicine, and I don’t know what to buy.

Me: I just need some Monistat.

Hubs (in a near-whisper again): I know, but there’s cream, suppositories, one-, three- and seven-day versions—what the hell do I get?

Me: Why are you whispering?

Hubs: I don’t know.

Me: Well, just get me the three-day dose of cream.

Hubs: Okay.

Me: Thanks, honey!

Scene #3:

I’m in the recovery room after my colonoscopy. Hubs is with me; we’ve just gotten word from the gastroenterologist that everything looks fine, and I can go home. Still a little woozy from the sedation, I begin to get dressed. I spy a container of wipes on the sink and decide to freshen my nether region a bit before putting on my underpants.

Me: Fuck! That burns like hell—what the…?

Hubs: What’s wrong?

Me (looking at the container of wipes): These are friggin’ antiseptic wipes for solid surfaces, not skin!

Hubs: I guess there’s a reason they tell you not to drive or sign any legal papers after you have sedation, huh?

Me: Ya think? Jesus, my butt hurts.

Scene #4:

Hubs and I are talking about what to have for dinner. I suggest fish tacos.

Hubs: That sounds good. Can we have them with that aureole sauce?

Me: You mean aioli?

Hubs: Yeah, that.

Scene #5:

I’m in the kitchen, and Hubs walks in from the den:

Hubs: There’s cat vomit on the stairs.

Me: Did you clean it up?

Hubs: It looks like it’s just a big fur ball.

Me: You got close enough to see that, but you didn’t clean it up?

Hubs: Well, I thought you’d want to know.

Me: Well, now I know. Can you clean it up?

Hubs (sighing): Oh, all right.

So, what do you think? Can you relate? Got some scenes from your own marriage to share? Please do!

 

Roxanne Jones

Roxanne Jones blogs at www.boomerhaiku.com, a mostly light-hearted, often irreverent look at life as a baby boomer, 17 syllables at a time. When she’s not tapping out haikus, she’s a freelance medical copywriter, enjoys chardonnay and contemplates plastic surgery to get rid of the wattle on her neck.

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2 Responses to Another installment of “Scenes from a boomer marriage”

  1. June 23, 2017 at 9:12 am

    Oh so true…I got a text yesterday from my husband that said: CU later. I was with my sister and told her: “That’s code for, ” I’ll be home late, please take out the trash.” See after 32 years, you learn the secret code.

  2. June 21, 2017 at 7:52 pm

    Couples, cable and colonoscopies. You hit the jackpot! LOL



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