‘Tis the season of Christmas-carol earworms. It’s hard to avoid these suckers since it seems as if we’ve been bombarded with holiday music since Labor Day.
So if you can’t get a Christmas melody out of your head, why not have some fun with it and change up the lyrics? I propose:
For the holidays
let’s start a new tradition
of boomer carols.
Here for your caroling pleasure are new words for seven popular Christmas songs—written especially for those of us who weren’t born yesterday:
O Sleepless Night (to the tune of O Holy Night)
O sleepless night, my thoughts are wildly churning
It is a night when I can’t make them stop.
I long lie in bed, tossing and turning
Contemplating which pill to pop.
A thrill of hope, as torpor overtakes me
Til yonder breaks a new and glorious morn
Fall into sleep
And hear no spouse a-snoring
O night divine
O night, when I get eight hours
Or maybe nine
O night, o night divine!
Hot Flash Hell (to the tune of Jingle Bells)
Through the snow I dash
Peeling clothes off as I go
Another damn hot flash
Has me sweating so
It’s not just my pits
That flush with heat and sweat
Oh what a pain is to schvitz
Until I’m dripping wet.
Oh, hot flash hell, hot flash hell
Clothes that bind and tie
Sometimes I must peel ‘em off
Cause I think I’m gonna die
Duvets of down, flannel gowns
Keep me warm at first
But then I have to peel ‘em off
Or into flames I burst.
Away in a Mood Swing (to the tune of Away in a Manger)
Away in a mood swing, no patience for shit,
I’m pissy as hell and want something to hit.
And then I get back to somewhat even-keeled
Til I see a commercial that triggers the feels.
I bawl my eyes out over kittens and pups
Like a maudlin lush wallowing in one’s cups.
Then moments later I imagine a slight
When someone asks me if I’m feeling all right.
Oh, menopause madness, you really do suck
‘Cause some days I feel like I’m crazy as f*ck.
Lord, give me the strength to get through this damn change
And emerge when it ends somewhat less deranged.
Lost Libido (to the tune of Silent Night)
Lost libido
Where did you go?
My sex drive
Is so low
I’d rather read than do the deed
A good cuddle is all that I need
And to sleep in heavenly peace,
Sleep in heavenly peace.
Lost libido
Where did you go
Husbands pray
To get laid
We buy lube and give it a try
It hurts a bit but we don’t die
And Hubs is happy again
Hubs is happy again.
Dicks’ Shortfall (to the tune of Deck the Halls)
Men are popping little blue pills
Fa la la la la la, la la la la
They think hard-ons are a big thrill
Fa la la la la, la la la la
When we say we’d rather cuddle
Fa la la, la la la, la la la
They look at us all befuddled
Fa la la, la la la, la la la
We explain we want affection
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Not a long-lasting erection
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Thinning ‘ginas can’t take pounding,
Fa la la la la, la la la la
But men’s egos are astounding
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Gals are happy with a foot rub
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Or a nice soak in a hot tub
Fa la la la la, la la la la
We find pleasure in just stroking
Fa la la la la, la la la la
But it’s not sex lest there’s poking
Fa la la la la, la la la la
So we get the lube a-flowing
Fa la la la la, la la la la
And we get your Yule log glowing
Fa la la la la la, la la la la
Then spread our cache of Christmas cheer
Fa la la la la la, la la la la
Like Santa, we come once a year
Fa la la la la la, la la la la
Jiggle Butt Rock
Jiggle butt, jiggle butt, jiggle butt rock
Jiggle butt swing and jiggle butt fling
Weight gain and gravity have hit my buns
Now the jiggle butt has begun.
Jiggle butt, jiggle butt, jiggle butt rock
Jiggle butt sways in jiggle butt ways
Dancing and prancing in jiggle butt Spanx
Keeps my butt contained.
What a tight fit, it’s the right fit
To rock the night away
Jiggle butt time is the right time
To put the size small leggings away.
Giddy-up jiggle horse, pick up your feet
I jiggle around the clock
Mix and a-mingle in the jiggling beat
That’s the jiggle butt rock.
Menopause (to the tune of Silver Bells)
Menopause, menopause
It’s time to stop ovulating.
Months go by, my eggs die
Soon I’ll be period free.
Shifting hormones, drifting hormones
Make me moody as hell;
In the air there’s a feeling of madness.
People laughing, I’m hot flashing
Drinking wine after wine
And among all my girlfriends I hear…
Menopause, menopause
It’s time to stop ovulating
Months go by, my eggs die
Soon I’ll be period free.
Midlife weight gain, what a damn pain
And I can’t sleep for shit,
But I won’t need tampons much longer.
All my skin sags, my eyes have bags,
It’s my womb’s big swan song;
And above all these changes you hear…
Menopause…(repeat chorus)
So, what do you think—wanna go caroling around the neighborhood?
This should be a book of carols!!! Love it Roxanne! You and Kathy Minicozzi are on the same Christmas page. Merry Christmas.
Thank you, Cathy! Happiest of holiday seasons to you!
To coin a cliche, great minds think alike! 😉
From one boomer to another:
Very clever! 😀
Thank you, Kathy! Fa-la-la!!!
Gotta love “schvitz” in the midst of a so-called “Christmas” carol!
It’s a great word, isn’t it? Thanks for commenting, John!