Christmas carols for baby boomers | HumorOutcasts

Christmas carols for baby boomers

December 4, 2017
By

‘Tis the season of Christmas-carol earworms. It’s hard to avoid these suckers since it seems as if we’ve been bombarded with holiday music since Labor Day.

So if you can’t get a Christmas melody out of your head, why not have some fun with it and change up the lyrics? I propose:

For the holidays
let’s start a new tradition
of boomer carols.

Here for your caroling pleasure are new words for seven popular Christmas songs—written especially for those of us who weren’t born yesterday:

 

O Sleepless Night (to the tune of O Holy Night)

O sleepless night, my thoughts are wildly churning

It is a night when I can’t make them stop.

I long lie in bed, tossing and turning

Contemplating which pill to pop.

A thrill of hope, as torpor overtakes me

Til yonder breaks a new and glorious morn

Fall into sleep

And hear no spouse a-snoring

O night divine

O night, when I get eight hours

Or maybe nine

O night, o night divine!

 

Hot Flash Hell (to the tune of Jingle Bells)

Through the snow I dash

Peeling clothes off as I go

Another damn hot flash

Has me sweating so

It’s not just my pits

That flush with heat and sweat

Oh what a pain is to schvitz

Until I’m dripping wet.

 

Oh, hot flash hell, hot flash hell

Clothes that bind and tie

Sometimes I must peel ‘em off

Cause I think I’m gonna die

Duvets of down, flannel gowns

Keep me warm at first

But then I have to peel ‘em off

Or into flames I burst.

 

Away in a Mood Swing (to the tune of Away in a Manger)

Away in a mood swing, no patience for shit,

I’m pissy as hell and want something to hit.

And then I get back to somewhat even-keeled

Til I see a commercial that triggers the feels.

 

I bawl my eyes out over kittens and pups

Like a maudlin lush wallowing in one’s cups.

Then moments later I imagine a slight

When someone asks me if I’m feeling all right.

 

Oh, menopause madness, you really do suck

‘Cause some days I feel like I’m crazy as f*ck.

Lord, give me the strength to get through this damn change

And emerge when it ends somewhat less deranged.

 

Lost Libido (to the tune of Silent Night)

Lost libido

Where did you go?

My sex drive

Is so low

I’d rather read than do the deed

A good cuddle is all that I need

And to sleep in heavenly peace,

Sleep in heavenly peace.

 

Lost libido

Where did you go

Husbands pray

To get laid

We buy lube and give it a try

It hurts a bit but we don’t die

And Hubs is happy again

Hubs is happy again.

 

Dicks’ Shortfall (to the tune of Deck the Halls)

Men are popping little blue pills

Fa la la la la la, la la la la

They think hard-ons are a big thrill

Fa la la la la, la la la la

When we say we’d rather cuddle

Fa la la, la la la, la la la

They look at us all befuddled

Fa la la, la la la, la la la

 

We explain we want affection

Fa la la la la, la la la la

Not a long-lasting erection

Fa la la la la, la la la la

Thinning ‘ginas can’t take pounding,

Fa la la la la, la la la la

But men’s egos are astounding

Fa la la la la, la la la la

 

Gals are happy with a foot rub

Fa la la la la, la la la la

Or a nice soak in a hot tub

Fa la la la la, la la la la

We find pleasure in just stroking

Fa la la la la, la la la la

But it’s not sex lest there’s poking

Fa la la la la, la la la la

 

So we get the lube a-flowing

Fa la la la la, la la la la

And we get your Yule log glowing

Fa la la la la la, la la la la

Then spread our cache of Christmas cheer

Fa la la la la la, la la la la

Like Santa, we come once a year

Fa la la la la la, la la la la

 

Jiggle Butt Rock

Jiggle butt, jiggle butt, jiggle butt rock

Jiggle butt swing and jiggle butt fling

Weight gain and gravity have hit my buns

Now the jiggle butt has begun.

Jiggle butt, jiggle butt, jiggle butt rock

Jiggle butt sways in jiggle butt ways

Dancing and prancing in jiggle butt Spanx

Keeps my butt contained.

What a tight fit, it’s the right fit

To rock the night away

Jiggle butt time is the right time

To put the size small leggings away.

Giddy-up jiggle horse, pick up your feet

I jiggle around the clock

Mix and a-mingle in the jiggling beat

That’s the jiggle butt rock.

 

Menopause (to the tune of Silver Bells)

Menopause, menopause

It’s time to stop ovulating.

Months go by, my eggs die

Soon I’ll be period free.

 

Shifting hormones, drifting hormones

Make me moody as hell;

In the air there’s a feeling of madness.

People laughing, I’m hot flashing

Drinking wine after wine

And among all my girlfriends I hear…

 

Menopause, menopause

It’s time to stop ovulating

Months go by, my eggs die

Soon I’ll be period free.

 

Midlife weight gain, what a damn pain

And I can’t sleep for shit,

But I won’t need tampons much longer.

All my skin sags, my eyes have bags,

It’s my womb’s big swan song;

And above all these changes you hear…

 

Menopause…(repeat chorus)

 

So, what do you think—wanna go caroling around the neighborhood?

 

 

 

Roxanne Jones

Roxanne Jones blogs at www.boomerhaiku.com, a mostly light-hearted, often irreverent look at life as a baby boomer, 17 syllables at a time. When she’s not tapping out haikus, she’s a freelance medical copywriter, enjoys chardonnay and contemplates plastic surgery to get rid of the wattle on her neck.

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7 Responses to Christmas carols for baby boomers

  1. December 7, 2017 at 7:57 am

    This should be a book of carols!!! Love it Roxanne! You and Kathy Minicozzi are on the same Christmas page. Merry Christmas.

    • December 9, 2017 at 2:04 pm

      Thank you, Cathy! Happiest of holiday seasons to you!

    • December 9, 2017 at 4:25 pm

      To coin a cliche, great minds think alike! 😉

  2. December 6, 2017 at 6:20 pm

    From one boomer to another:

    Very clever! 😀

    • December 9, 2017 at 2:05 pm

      Thank you, Kathy! Fa-la-la!!!

  3. December 6, 2017 at 1:45 pm

    Gotta love “schvitz” in the midst of a so-called “Christmas” carol!

    • December 9, 2017 at 2:05 pm

      It’s a great word, isn’t it? Thanks for commenting, John!



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