Dinner and a Horror Show | HumorOutcasts

Dinner and a Horror Show

February 16, 2017
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   God knows it was about time. We had done everything we could but when it finally happened, we weren’t surprised. “Can you get us one more month?”, I asked. “Yeah, but that’s about it. Dave needs a new car.” We have been very lucky in that we have found that mythical creature, an honest, talented car mechanic. When he says it’s time, it’s time. This is one relationship we’ll be hanging onto like grim death.

Thus began a fun process, finding an honest car dealer. Since finding a unicorn had a higher probability of success, my husband decided to take a different path. He decided to research the car he wanted and figure out who had it and for how much. My husband went to a dealer near his office for some preliminary exploring. Later, we went for some test drives with a tired and cranky eight year old and after three dealers called it a day. The good part about having a purchasing manager going car shopping is that he is used to politely but firmly telling pushy salesman to go @#$% themselves when the need arises. Thankfully, the decision was pretty much made after that and we chose to go back to the first dealer he tried.

That morning the three of us piled into my husband’s old car for the last time. The forty-five minute drive to the dealer was underway. We weren’t sure old bessie was going to make it. I have mentioned in the past that anyone who’d seen my man’s car would think he commuted with farm animals. He drives from our home to his job an hour away every day and after 210, 000 miles I almost pitied the thing. Nonetheless, with our daughter in the car with us and the temperatures being a toasty thirty eight degrees, I didn’t want to end up stranded on the way to buy another car!

It was a little nerve wracking but we made it. I think the car just threw up its tires when we got there and said, ‘That’s it, I’m done.‘ We test drove a whopping two cars and my husband made his selection. The salesman gave him $400 and didn’t think he was going to be able to get the trade in to another lot! I looked at it as more of a car disposal fee in our favor.

The drive home was a huge improvement putting it mildly. The car is clean and has a fancy screen in the center console. I’m glad to report the 2016 camry he bought still has a key to start the car and not a push button ignition! This is a huge comfort to us dinosaurs who are not ready for any more big changes than necessary. It will take us weeks to stop looking in parking lots for the wrong car as it is. I only hope he takes better care of this car, after all, if you just spent a almost twenty thousand bucks on something wouldn’t you want to take care of it?

Less than a week later, we met some friends for dinner at a local mall. Of course we used the new car and dinner was fine. The problem started as we were leaving the restaurant. We saw my husband’s new car trapped by a large groovy el camino driven by a teenager. This was no idiot blocking him in, this was the perfect storm of maneuvering that somehow make the most sickening upside down letter “k” out of my husband’s bumper and the other car.

If he was going to have a heart attack, I wouldn’t be from the french fries. I don’t know how many molecules of space were left between them, my guess was two. The look on my husband’s face as he saw what was happening made me glad he was unarmed. The dumbass in question had a buddy who was attempting to guide him out of the mess he managed to get into with no luck. Another person asked how heavy his car was and the answer was ‘too heavy’.

Thankfully, I took a look at the front of my husband’s car and he had about 2 inches to move forward. That was all that was needed to free them both. On the upside, the damage was minimal, with some old paint on his new bumper and a small scratch. The young kid also had the decency to apologize and parked well away from us. I reminded my husband that he was young once, too and the damage wasn’t serious. It took him a while to collect his marbles but God bless him, he did. That was way more excitement than we were looking for. We went home, and my spouse went to bed, with his car in much better shape than he was.

Barb Godshalk

Barb Godshalk is a married mommy of a now five-year-old wealth of material and lives with her supportive husband in South Jersey. She also studies martial arts and bakes in the hope of breaking even. Her work had been featured on the In the Powder Room website as well as on Sirius XM's late lamented Lime Radio. Recently, you can find her in the South Jersey Writers' Group anthology Tall Tales and Short Stories.  Her daughter has taken over her house and much of her writing.  The majority of works involve memoir and life lessons pieces with as much humor as readers can tolerate.  

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One Response to Dinner and a Horror Show

  1. February 18, 2017 at 2:14 am

    An auto-matic adventure! 😉



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