An epistolary novel is a novel written as a series of documents such as letters, diary entries, and newspaper clippings. Printed in 1897, Dracula by Bram Stoker is one of most well-known epistolary novels, compiled entirely of letters, diary entries, newspaper clippings, telegrams, doctor’s notes, ship’s logs, and the like.
But what if Dracula were written today?
Jonathan Harker @HarkMan
WOOT! Off to Transylvania. Dude named Dracula texted me he wants to move to England. Sounds like a fun guy; loves the nightlife. Farewell, @Mina_HotChick!
Jonathan Harker @HarkMan
On train thru Carpathian Mts. Peasant women are not all that great looking here. Prettiest one I’ve seen looks like actor Jonah Hill in a babushka!
Jonathan Harker @HarkMan
Frightened old lady in hotel heard me talk of Dracula and put crucifix around my neck! WTF? (I gave her a buck.) #DontTellRabbiMishkin
Jonathan Harker @HarkMan
On coach to Borgo Pass. Odd; other passengers outdoing one another pointing at me, clutching throats, & making gagging sounds! Seems like a fun game! Can’t wait to learn the rules!
Jonathan Harker @HarkMan
Have arrived at crumbling old Castle Dracula. Needs a bit of work. Nothing that a coat of paint & a hydrogen bomb couldn’t cure! #WhataDump
Jonathan Harker @HarkMan
Received a note that Dracula will meet me at dinner. Or is that “meet me as dinner?”
Dracula@Fangsalot46
I am @Fangsalot46. I tweet you welcome, @HarkMan! #SpidertotheFly
Dracula@Fangsalot46
Woohoo, I luv Twitter! I have over 17,000 followers. Of course, most of them follow me with torches, pitchforks, and stakes! LOL!!!
Dracula@Fangsalot46
How about giving me a retweet on that one, @HarkMan? Didn’t you think it was funny? Hah, I get more RTs than Kim Kardashian’s bare ass ever did! #AskTheNearestZombie
Dracula@Fangsalot46
WOOT! The Childen of the Night; What music they make! No, not @ABBA, you idiot! I’m not that evil!
Dracula@Fangsalot46
Make yourself at home,@HarkMan! Oh, you cut your finger? What a night; I’m already scoring!
Dracula@Fangsalot46
I never drink …. wine. Just sayin’ .
Dracula@Fangsalot46
I bid you good night, @HarkMan. Sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite. That’s my job! LMFAO! #WannaNeck?
Jonathan Harker
Dearest Mina: I must now communicate via Facebook because the Count loves Twitter almost as much as Trump, (although at least Dracula can spell). But Dracula is a bizarre diseased creature who recoils at the sight of a crucifix, casts no reflection in a mirror, and roots for the Phillies! What’s worse, he LOLs his own jokes and insists I give him RTs! Oh, Mina, please comfort me by posting a picture of Pedals, our adorable kitten!
Mina Murray’s Facebook
Mina Murray
Of course, dearest Jonathan! Here is our sweet Pedals, all dressed up like a vampire from last Halloween!
Jonathan Harker
Mina, remind me when I get back we have to talk about our relationship!
So you are on Facebook too, my dear young sir? Please friend me, then I will poke you. Believe me, I will poke you!!! (And Go, Phils!)
Next Position: Solicitor (Undead)
Mina, Turns out the count is an ardent Facebooker too! So now I must communicate through LinkedIn. Nobody but nobody uses LinkedIn, unless they are trying to set a record for pointless endorsements!
Dracula
Previous Position: Sucking the Blood of Crusaders
Current Position: Sucking Your Blood
Good Evening, Jonathan! I love LinkedIn too! Note that I have already endorsed you for European Travel, Real Estate Development, and Super Deliciousness! I am afraid you are out of luck with social networks, unless you want to use JDate!
Jonathan Harker’s Twitter
@Mina_HotChick Had a tete a tete w/ the Count last night and all is fine now. You will be a bite … I mean, sight … for sore eyes when I get home! #WannaNeck?
Happy Halloween, Perry! I loved this, but I’m feeling kinda left out–Dracula doesn’t follow me on Twitter. 🙁
Thanks, Maria. Don’t feel bad. Dracula (@Fangsalot46) does follow me on Twitter, and he tends to follow a little too closely. Happy Halloween!
Should I be afraid? Does Dracula go for 71-year-old opera singers turned writer?
I would be happy to follow him, but I don’t have a pitchfork or a stake. I do have a crucifix, however. I can hold him back while someone else grabs him.
I sorry, Kathy, the Count is Jewish. He only recoils at the sight of Larry David. Does Dracula go for a 71 year old? Well, he passed by this 67 year old because he thought my blood might be iron poor. And he’s 807! Happy Halloween.
Perry – I like your beard. I enjoy bantering with you!
Me too. We’ve finally got one villain we can agree on – Dracula!
Thanks, Russell. Yes, Dracula loves the Phils as much as he’d love an evening munching on Mitch McConnell. (A double chin = Double his pleasure, Double his fun) Dracula actually spit out Trump, I understand. He has no heart, he didn’t have any blood. Happy Halloween!
Well done, Perry. And a perfect post for the season. The only reason I can see he roots for the Phillies is they wear red. As poor as they play, they could consider black next season.
Thanks, Donna! #WannaNeck?
This made me laugh out loud! Bram would be proud. I heard he had a bit of a sense of humor