Freedom from speech | HumorOutcasts

Freedom from speech

October 10, 2017
By

You can say anything that you like in this land, just as long as you don’t disagree.
You can live a life filled with great riches and strength, if you pledge your allegiance to me.
You can come to my rallies and cheer me aloud, as they’re staged from sea to shining sea.
You can stand up for what you believe in, my friends — just as long as you don’t take a knee.

For so long there has been no support for the hard-working people who are middle class.
You really don’t need health insurance, my friends — so I’ll take you all back to the past.
Back in the day everything was so great, when my real estate realm was amassed.
And we weren’t concerned about Rocket Man, Muslims, or footballin’ pains in the ass.

I really despise everyone who shows lack of respect for our flag’s stripes and spangles.
A veteran gave me his Medal of Honor. I love how it jingles and jangles!
Now, I didn’t serve since I coughed up a doctor’s note, saying my feet were both mangled.
Thank goodness I live in a country that offered deferments once I worked the angles.

Bob Corker’s a pussy that I’d like to grab, and shake him and toss him aside.
I’m tired of his comments and put-downs and tweets — and Ben Sasse has also been snide.
My base still supports me, whatever I do. And Mike Pence is stuck to my side.
You see what I did to Tom Price — he screwed up, so I kicked his ass to the curbside.

No one controls me but me — that’s a fact. Not Kelly, Ivanka or Bannon.
I’ll get rid of anyone if I catch wind of some kind of a coup they are plannin’.
I don’t give a shit what the media thinks; those fake reports I’m a “loose cannon.”
You know what I’ll do, just to get them incensed? I’ll bring back ol’ Pat J. Buchanan!

Forty-four others have served in this office. Just ten months in, I’m Number One!
None of the others — and this is the truth — ever managed to do what I’ve done.
I thought being Pres would be easy. I thought leadership would be fun.
I don’t get the credit I think I deserve; some doubt it’s legit that I won.

But that doesn’t matter. I’m in the White House… and not Crooked Hillary – see?
I’m draining the swamp like you wouldn’t believe, and to do that you can’t fly for free.
Once I get everything back to the way that it was, then the people will idolize me.
I’ll bask in the glory I richly deserve, as will my sweet Wife Number Three.

There’ll be no more protests, the flag will fly high. Our place in the world will be strong.
The choice for you people will come down to this: You can go if you can’t get along.
You will stand at attention, salute as I pass, while a marching band plays that great song.
And slowly you’ll stop with the torment of asking yourself, “How did things go so wrong?”

John Branning

John Branning is a humorist whose writings have left literally millions of readers with no idea who he is. But for those who have managed to stumble upon his self-deprecating and hubristically-inclined writing, he’s left them in stitches. And in this context, “in stitches” is considered to be an enjoyable experience versus something painful resulting from a visit to the emergency room.

His newest book, “Keys To The Truculent Me,” is available on Amazon as is his first book, “Selfie-Facing,” which was recognized by The Huffington Post as one of “The Best Self-Published Books of 2016.” You can find more of his posts, where he uses all the vowels and most of the consonants on his keyboard, at JohnBranning.com.

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6 Responses to Freedom from speech

  1. October 11, 2017 at 3:56 pm

    Brilliant piece John!

    • October 11, 2017 at 4:50 pm

      Aw, thank you Donna! Kind of a shameful course of events to be inspired by but — you know…

  2. October 11, 2017 at 3:24 pm

    How sad that’s it’s come to this state of affairs.
    But happy to know that a humorist cares.
    You gave us some laughs,
    At the President’s gaffs.
    And his spouting-off, full of hot air.

    • October 11, 2017 at 4:52 pm

      Ah, so — you’ve launched what the youngsters call a “rap battle,” Karen.

      Or, considering the source of what we’re throwing down about — a “crap battle.”

  3. October 10, 2017 at 10:15 pm

    Why am I suddenly thinking of “America über alles” and “Today the United States, tomorrow the world?”

    • October 11, 2017 at 6:25 am

      And now we get to speculate about his IQ — he’s about as likely to release his Mensa results as he was his tax returns…



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