How to Be a Coffee (Snob) Connoisseur | HumorOutcasts

How to Be a Coffee (Snob) Connoisseur

November 5, 2017
By

Fancy coffee mug optional

Yes, I am one of those. I love coffee, but only the fancy stuff. I don’t care if it’s mountain grown or good to the last drop or an instant road to romance. The only time I will drink Folgers or Maxwell House or any of that ilk, especially if it has been brewed in a percolator, is (1) if I am having such a bad case of caffeine withdrawal that I am ready to commit murder, or (2) if there is no other coffee available and there won’t be an opportunity to sneak over to Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts or McDonald’s for the next several hours.

You are not hallucinating. I did include McDonald’s. Their coffee is pretty good. I guess they figured they had better get in on the good coffee trend before all the other fast-food restaurants beat them to it.

Brewing coffee in a percolator is a sin against one of God’s great gifts to humanity, the coffee plant. Coffee beans that have been roasted and ground deserve a better fate than having most of their flavor boiled out of them. I used to use a percolator, but that was before I knew better. I have repented of that sin, and I now use only a drip coffeemaker. The one I have now even has a built-in grinder. All I have to do to grind my coffee beans is to push a button. Anything that makes life in the kitchen easier is fine with me.

Some people call me a coffee snob. I prefer to think of myself as a discriminating consumer. It sounds better.

The following should give you an idea of what a discriminating coffee consumer looks for:

BAD COFFEE

A. Church coffee, made in a big urn by elderly ladies

B. Your grandmother’s percolated coffee

C. Dunkin Donuts coffee that has been watered down by employees, so they won’t have to make a new pot so often

D. AMC Loews movie theater coffee. I don’t know what they do to it, and I’m afraid to ask

GOOD COFFEE

A. Any coffee grown in an exotic place that has a flavor so strong it would make your grandmother faint

B. Any of the above, with half & half cream

C. Any of the above, with half & half cream and cinnamon

D. Hazelnut and French Vanilla coffee, so long as the coffee that comes with the flavor is good.

The thing is, once you taste a good Vietnamese, Sumatran, Kenyan or Ethiopian coffee blend, you can find yourself hooked for life. You will do anything to get your fix, including standing in line in Starbucks or ordering it online. You will be compulsive about watching for specials. When you get hold of your caffeinated treasure, you will treat it like a valuable piece of jewelry or a roll of $1,000 bills until you put it into the coffeemaker and then into your mouth. You will keep track of your stash of coffee better than you keep track of your bank account. You will end up a spoiled, compulsive wreck.

But you will enjoy your coffee.

I don’t have any good reason for putting this picture here. I just felt like it.

Kathy Minicozzi

Kathy Minicozzi is an opera singer turned aspiring writer, who lives somewhere in New York City. In other words, she’s weird, but harmless. She is the author of “Opera for People Who Don’t Like It,” in which she turns the world of opera and its performers upside down while, at the same time, making it understandable to non-opera lovers and making everyone laugh.

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5 Responses to How to Be a Coffee (Snob) Connoisseur

  1. Bill Y "The Legend" Ledden
    November 11, 2017 at 9:47 am

    I’ve loved coffee since I was a kid. I think I was a beanie baby!

  2. November 7, 2017 at 5:43 am

    We mailorder our coffee from a Maine store that roasts the beans and does a special blend for us, so yes, I too, am a coffee snob. When we recently lost our power for a few days, was I worried about the food in the refrigerator? No, I was upset we had to drink instant coffee!!

    • November 7, 2017 at 4:16 pm

      Coffee is our most important nutrient of the day. As such, it deserves to be respected and properly processed. Instant coffee is an insult to coffee beans everywhere.

      The food in the fridge can be replaced, but a good cup of coffee is … a good cup of coffee.

  3. Bill Spencer
    November 6, 2017 at 6:22 am

    I grind my beans every day.

    • November 6, 2017 at 1:22 pm

      I would answer this, but I don’t think I dare. 😉



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