How to Make an Idiot of Yourself 101 | HumorOutcasts

How to Make an Idiot of Yourself 101

January 14, 2017
By

I have a decent IQ. No, I don’t know what it is. Our elementary school wouldn’t tell us. They didn’t even tell us they had given us an IQ test, although it was obvious to most of us what it was. Before that test was given, my teachers had just considered me pathetic. Afterward, I became the Smart Kid Who Wouldn’t Apply Herself. Neither appraisal made me popular with the school hierarchy or my parents.

Now that I have established the fact that I am not stupid, I will begin my story.

I have two Kindle readers. I bought one of them in December, 2010. It is an older model with a keyboard, and it does not have a touch screen. I bought the other one in March, 2015. It is a Kindle Voyager, with a touch screen and no keyboard. It is smaller than the other one. In other words, they don’t look alike and I don’t operate them in the same way.

Until a few days ago, I had not used either Kindle for some time. Instead, I have been going through a phase of buying printed paperback books. The two Kindles have languished where I put them.

A few days ago, I was browsing Amazon.com and found a few books that looked interesting. This time, instead of paying for paperback copies and waiting for them to come in the mail, I decided to resurrect my Kindle Voyager. I ordered the Kindle versions of the books.

You got that so far? Good. There’s more, and it gets interesting.

I couldn’t find my new books on the Kindle. I went onto the Amazon.com website, looked for instructions, and tried a few times to download my new books. Nothing worked. Finally, I decided that contacting a real person was the only answer, so I started a chat with one of the Amazon.com representatives. It only took a minute to connect with someone, which made me happy.

Here is a condensed version of the chat transcript:

09:37 PM PST S–(Amazon): Hello, my name is S–. I’m here to help you today.

09:37 PM PST Kathryn Minicozzi: Can you help me download my new books to my Kindle Voyager?

09:38 PM PST S–: No worries. I’ll help you in this regard.

09:39 PM PST S–: Are you referring to the books:
1. Den of Thieves
2. The Unofficial Harry Potter Insults Handbook: 101 Comebacks for the Slytherin in Your Life
3. Snape: A Definitive Reading

09:39 PM PST Kathryn Minicozzi: Yes.

09:39 PM PST S–: Thanks for confirming.

09:39 PM PST Kathryn Minicozzi: Those are the ones I am not finding on my device.

09:40 PM PST S–: I have sent the books to your Kindle device from my end. Please try to sync the Kindle device now.

WE HAD TO WAIT FOR MY KINDLE TO UPDATE. WHEN IT UPDATED, S— AGAIN ASKED ME TO SYNC THE KINDLE.

09:49 PM PST Kathryn Minicozzi: No new items. Should I press the menu button and try to sync it again?

09:50 PM PST S–: Yes, you can try to sync the Kindle again. Once the book is downloaded, it will appear on your Kindle home screen.

09:50 PM PST Kathryn Minicozzi: It said No New Items.

09:51 PM PST S–: Is your Kindle connected with your WiFi network?

09:52 PM PST Kathryn Minicozzi: Yes. Wifi is on.

09:52 PM PST S–: Are you able to access the Kindle store?

09:53 PM PST Kathryn Minicozzi: Yes.

S—TOLD ME TO DEREGISTER MY KINDLE AND GAVE ME THE INSTRUCTIONS.

09:59 PM PST Kathryn Minicozzi: I just did it.

09:59 PM PST S–: Thank you. Now try to register your Kindle.

10:00 PM PST Kathryn Minicozzi: This will take me a couple of minutes. I have to look up my Amazon.com password!

INTERRUPTING HERE TO SAY THAT I HAD A HARD TIME TYPING MY AMAZON.COM PASSWORD ON THE KINDLE KEYBOARD AND WAS TAKING FOREVER TO DO IT.

10:01 PM PST S–: Just to confirm, have you deregistered the Kindle keyboard device or Kindle voyage device?

10:01 PM PST Kathryn Minicozzi: Kindle Voyage. “Kathryn’s 2nd Kindle”

10:02 PM PST S–: May I know the device serial number?

MORE CRAZINESS WITH ME STILL TRYING TO TYPE MY PASSWORD ON THE DAMNED KINDLE KEYBOARD WHILE TRYING TO FIND A SERIAL NUMBER

10:12 PM PST S–: I see that you have de-registered your Kindle keyboard device and not your Kindle voyage device.

10:14 PM PST Kathryn Minicozzi: Oy! I haven’t used my Kindles in so long, I must have picked up the wrong one!
*embarrassed*

The patient rep downloaded the book I was reading and one of the other books onto my OLD Kindle. When the survey came up, I gave him 5 stars all the way through.

I am imagining a room somewhere, full of Amazon.com reps, who are passing around the transcript of this chat and pissing themselves laughing.

Kathy Minicozzi

Kathy Minicozzi is an opera singer turned aspiring writer, who lives somewhere in New York City. In other words, she's weird, but harmless. She is the author of "Opera for People Who Don't Like It," in which she turns the world of opera and its performers upside down while, at the same time, making it understandable to non-opera lovers and making everyone laugh.

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11 Responses to How to Make an Idiot of Yourself 101

  1. Bill Y Ledden
    January 21, 2017 at 4:53 am

    I’ve been told to stop acting like an idiot, for a long time now. I’m just being myself!

  2. January 16, 2017 at 10:31 am

    Bwahahahaha!
    My inquiries always start with, “Is your device on?” Yeah. I’m that bad . . .

    • January 17, 2017 at 9:50 pm

      It’s somehow gratifying, in a schadenfreude kind of way, to know that there are others in this world who are as capable as I am at doing things that make us feel dumber than we are! 😉

  3. January 15, 2017 at 3:59 pm

    Kathy, this seems like a very normal conversation to me. I’ve had similar conversations with Blue Host, Apple, WordPress, Quicken, etc, etc. And I too have an off the charts IQ. At least that’s the story I made up when they kept the results locked up in a vault. 🙂

    • January 15, 2017 at 6:39 pm

      Well, I don’t have an off-the-charts IQ, but, whatever it is, it was high enough to make my 7th Grade teacher comment, in front of the class, that I had one of the brightest minds in the 7th Grade but that I didn’t put effort into my studies.

      I was so flattered by the compliment that I didn’t even resent the criticism!

      As for the Kindle incident, it really happened a few nights ago. I couldn’t resist telling it here, because it’s so damned funny — at my expense, but FUNNY!!

  4. January 15, 2017 at 8:07 am

    I’ve had similar conversations. I imagine the person on the other end of the phone looking up my age and sighing, “No wonder. Poor old lady.” I now use my age as an excuse for anything related to any misunderstanding on my part.

    • January 15, 2017 at 2:01 pm

      I’ll keep the age excuse in reserve for the next time! LOL!

      The age excuse is also good for getting out of doing things you don’t want to do! 😀

  5. January 14, 2017 at 10:07 pm

    I got a new keyboardless Kindle for Christmas. I am powerful afraid.

    • January 15, 2017 at 1:20 am

      Enjoy! They’re a lot of fun, and you can load a ton of books on them. 😀

      Just make sure that, if there are more than one Kindle in your house, you grab the right one when you are trying to find a downloaded book! 😀

  6. Bill Spencer
    January 14, 2017 at 6:56 pm

    We love you, Kathy—Hogwarts and all.

    • January 14, 2017 at 7:12 pm

      Thanks, Bill. You have re-kindled my self-esteem. 😉



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