If Everyone Had a Panel of Experts of Their Own Like Hosts on CNN | HumorOutcasts

If Everyone Had a Panel of Experts of Their Own Like Hosts on CNN

June 20, 2017
By

Incredible!

I just got invited to a last minute party at Farbman’s house and if I’m going to go, I’ve got to get ready. I need some advice fast!

Okay, I’m going to bring in my panel of experts:

With me is Senior Perry Adviser Dana Bash, Perry Historian Gloria Borger, Adviser to Four Presidents and to Perry David Gergen, Neurosis Analyst John King, Self-Deprecation Strategist Van Jones, and Trump Supporter and General Prevaricator Jeffrey Lord.”

“Dana, I’ll start with you. Should I go to this party?

“Perry, I’ve been around this town a long time, and I’ve learned when someone is as far down in the popularity polls as you are the best move is to hit a party. But this time, try not to spill your drink all over the host!”

“John King?”

“I would agree you should not spill all over the host as you have frequently done in the past. And don’t throw up all over the host as you have also frequently done in the past!”

“Gloria Borger?”

“You’re in trouble, Perry Block! The most recent Quinnipiac poll shows that you have an approval rating of 13%.”

“Is that bad, Gloria?”

“Put it this way: your approval rating makes Donald Trump look like Tom Hanks.”

“All right, let me ask you, David Gergen: assuming I go to the party, should I bring a bottle of wine or is Entenman’s crumb cake good enough?”

“I think you’d be absolutely fine with the Entenmann’s crumb cake. Both Ronald Reagan and Bill Clinton always brought crumb cake to parties while Richard Nixon favored Twinkies, and we all know what happened to him.”

“Do you agree, John King?”

“No, I don’t.  As you may recall, Dana Bash and I were once married, but we broke up because I always wanted to bring Entenmann’s, she argued for Beaujolais. That and the terrible sex.”

“You’ve been known to like a good bottle of wine, Van Jones. Can I get away with something under ten dollars?”

“Well, that depends. Do you want to be viewed as a jerk who brings to a nice party cheap shit wine that makes Listerine taste like Dom Perignon, or do you want to ever be invited anywhere again?”

“Invited anywhere again. Any recommendation as a good wine to bring? Gloria Borger?”

“Spend at least $25 and don’t get Chardonnay. It screams I’m a douche bag!

“Dana Bash?”

“I completely agree with that.”

“Don’t get Chardonnay?”

“No. You are a douche bag!”

“One more issue to discuss: Does the panel think I have a shot to meet a woman at the party who takes a hankering to me who’s around 50 and still hot?”

“Dana Bash?”

“No.”

“Van Jones?”

“Clearly no.”

“Gloria Borger?”

“In all my years of observing you, Perry, I can pretty well conclude the answer is no.”

“John King?”

“I agree. Nothing in your history would support that.”

“Jeffrey Lord, haven’t heard from you yet tonight. Do I have a chance to score?”

“Allow me to be a contrarian here. I think it’s a certainty you will meet a hot early-fiftyish woman with large breasts who’s going to be very interested in having sex with you later

tonight.”

“Jeffrey Lord, you really think that?”

“Absolutely.”

“But as a Trump supporter, you lie all the time.”

“Absolutely!”

Perry Block

I am one bummed-out Baby Boomer desperately attempting to turn back the clock through parody, satire, and anything else you want. In my time I have been a puppet, a pirate, a pauper, and a king. I would have also been a pawn but I didn’t have the SATs for it, and my career as a poet was cut short when I recited “The Man from Nantucket” at a White House Dinner. I look forward to developing a relationship with the readers of Humor Outcasts, unhealthy as it probably will be.

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6 Responses to If Everyone Had a Panel of Experts of Their Own Like Hosts on CNN

  1. June 20, 2017 at 9:22 pm

    I think I might like an expert panel to tell me what to wear and where to eat lunch etc. But if they start yelling at me, they are FIRED!

    • June 20, 2017 at 10:58 pm

      I think I could pick out the perfect panel for you. It will include David Axelrod, Carl Bernstein, and Jeffrey Toobin. And no damn Jeffrey Lord or Kaylie McEnany!

      • June 21, 2017 at 7:32 am

        okay! See if they are available! they can start on Monday!

        • June 21, 2017 at 2:26 pm

          They are available and will start on Monday! And I’m going to throw in Mayor Nutter for free.

  2. June 20, 2017 at 7:12 pm

    Hilarious but why does CNN hate Chardonney? Talk to me people!



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