More blog soup from Boomer Haiku | HumorOutcasts

More blog soup from Boomer Haiku

February 22, 2017
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I’ve whipped up another batch of blog soup—creating a concoction out of morsels from my notes and files to produce what I hope you’ll find to be a tasty read:

Excuses for when a simple no won’t do

While “no” is a complete sentence and uttering it tends to get easier as we get older, sometimes we still feel compelled to give an excuse for turning down an invitation. So here are a couple of options inspired by real life: “I just took a dose of Miralax and really shouldn’t leave the house” or “I just trimmed my lady garden and it’s starting to itch, so I really shouldn’t be out in public.” These excuses may also discourage future invitations, so use them accordingly.

Embellishing the airline barf bag

I recently read an item about a greeting card artist who drew on the white barf bag in her seat pocket during a flight home for Christmas. One side read, “Heave ho, ho, ho!” and on the reverse was the sentiment, “Feel better soon.” Hmm…maybe I’ll compose a haiku on the barf bag the next time I fly. How about you—got any embellishment ideas?

Are you at risk of losing a parent or spouse?

I mean that literally—do you have a loved one with dementia who tends to wander off? Well, a city in Japan has found a solution. Just as some folks microchip their pets to make sure they’re found when lost, officials in Iruma—a city near Tokyo—are supplying tiny waterproof QR code stickers to families with elderly relatives at risk of wandering away from home and getting lost. The QR stickers, which last about a month, can be stuck onto a fingernail or carried around on a key holder. What’ll they think of next? (A cure for Alzheimer’s would be nice.)

A new baby boomer criterion for buying a swimsuit

Few activities provoke as much fear and loathing in women as swimsuit shopping. The quest for the just-right style to minimize back fat, camouflage a menopot belly and support the girls can be daunting. And now, for a growing number of baby boomers, there’s another consideration: finding a suit that covers hip replacement scars. A friend of mine recently tried more than eight retailers before she found a suit with adequate coverage. Designers, are you paying attention?

Man flu is real!

Most women joke about “man flu” and how guys turn into babies when they get sick. Now, however, research suggests that man flu may be an actual condition, and it has to do with estrogen—or, more to the point, men’s lack of it.

Scientists at Johns Hopkins University infected nasal cells from a range of male and female donors with the influenza A virus. They first exposed the uninfected cells to estrogen and a class of drugs called selective estrogen receptor modulators (SERMs), which produce estrogen-like effects.

They found that any female cells treated with estrogen or SERMs showed a far greater resistance to infection, with viral loads far lower than male cells treated with estrogen. This strongly suggests that estrogen has female-specific antiviral qualities and that, even after treatment, male nasal cells are no more resistant to the infection. So (cough, cough) who’s the weaker (and, dare I say, whinier) sex?

Are little white lies the gateway drug to stronger alternative facts?

According to a British study published in the journal Nature Neuroscience, the amygdala—the region of the brain involved in the processing and expression of emotions, especially anger and fear—becomes desensitized with each little white lie we tell. In other words, the more we lie, the less the brain responds, resulting in the proverbial slippery slope on which small fibs can escalate into big whoppers. Or, as Team Trump purports, alternative facts.

SwampButt UnderwearTM obliterates the blight of butt sweat

A writer friend recently received a press release about a line of wicking underwear for men who sweat a great deal, particularly below the waist. The company is doing a Valentine’s Day promo for those struggling to let their special someone know how terrible his sweaty backside looks and/or smells, and will send a pair (or pairs) of their red performance underwear to that sopping-wet significant other without exposing the giver’s identity. Nothing says romance like some red butt-sweat wicking underwear, huh?

Just when I think I’ve
seen or heard it all, along
comes today’s newsfeed.

What do you think about any of these items? What’s the wackiest thing you’ve seen or read about lately? Do you believe little white lies are harmless? What has you shaking your head in disbelief these days? Please share!

 

 

 

Roxanne Jones

Roxanne Jones blogs at www.boomerhaiku.com, a mostly light-hearted, often irreverent look at life as a baby boomer, 17 syllables at a time. When she’s not tapping out haikus, she’s a freelance medical copywriter, enjoys chardonnay and contemplates plastic surgery to get rid of the wattle on her neck.

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6 Responses to More blog soup from Boomer Haiku

  1. February 25, 2017 at 8:59 am

    The QR would be great, but since I’m always losing my keys, you’d have to plaster it to my forehead. I like your ‘no’ excuses, but could you come up with a few more that have advance warning. Like, ” I can’t come to your party in a month because I’m pretty sure I’ll be molting just about then.” I could use your help!

    • February 28, 2017 at 10:28 am

      Molting is always a good reason to avoid socializing. You could also designate the day of your friend’s party as the one you devote to existential dread (and therefore don’t want to be around people). Or check a calendar of weird/obscure holidays in case there’s an observance you simply can’t forego. Or there’s always the classic from high school: I have to wash my hair. But the one that’s becoming increasingly easy to use as I get older: Thanks for asking, but no. 🙂

  2. February 23, 2017 at 8:02 am

    My husband and I came up with a similar Silver Locator. We thought about it when we took my dad to a casino. We thought a barcode device that he wears and we wear and the casino scans upon entering and they would input it into a lo-jack type program so that was never an issue. LOL

    • February 23, 2017 at 6:55 pm

      What a great idea, especially for big, crowded places like a casino! I could use something like that for when I forget where I parked the car…

  3. Bill Spencer
    February 23, 2017 at 7:25 am

    Soup-er post, Roxanne.

    • February 23, 2017 at 6:57 pm

      Thanks for having a taste, Bill!



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