My Mysterious Mind | HumorOutcasts

My Mysterious Mind

September 29, 2017
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My Mysterious Brain

The saying goes that God works in mysterious ways.  Personally, I think it’s my mind that works in mysterious ways.  I’ve started to wonder about a lot of weird stuff lately.  So here’s how my mind works.

 

-While walking on my beautiful canal, I noted the ducks swimming in the water.  I think the ducks look graceful by accident.  If you were to look up at them swimming from under the water, you’d see these two big crazy klutzy feet struggling to move in all kinds of directions.

-After a recent phone call with a customer service representative, I wondered why they ask me for my phone number.  Every time I get disconnected, no one ever calls me back.

-When I recently received my first tooth implant that the dentist kept screwing in, I wondered if his wife knows he screws around so much.

-Do tall people understand the challenges of short people?  Does anyone get the fact that I never use the top shelf of any cabinet, and I absolutely positively cannot reach the bottom of my washing machine?

-How come my car gives me a warning when I need gas, oil, or to check the engine, but my battery dies with no warning at all?  Could this be a conspiracy created by AAA?

-Why do people in the Northeast stand “on line” when everyone else in the country stands “in line,” unless of course everyone else is on the internet, but then again, they wouldn’t be standing?

-Why is there no plural in the English language for “you”? It forces people from the North to say “you guys,” and people from the South to say “ya’ll.”  By the way, “ya’ll” is now an official word in the dictionary…just sayin.”

-While we’re on the subject of North and South, why do Yankee’s say they’re going “down the shore” when Southerners say they’re going “to the beach?” Why do Jersians think jug handles are streets, and why do Texans think mix masters are large overpasses? And why is it that Yankees drop the “r” in the word “drawer,” and pronounce the first vowel of the word “orange” with an “a?”

-And for goodness sakes, why is the word “why” spelled this way?  Shouldn’t it just be spelled “Y?”

Yes, my mind does work in mysterious ways.  How about yours?

 

Leslie Handler

Leslie is an internationally syndicated columnist for Senior Wire and a 2015 Society of Newspaper Columnists award winner. She is a frequent contributor to WHYY's Newsworks, has written for The Philadelphia Inquirer, ZestNow, and Boomercafe, as well as blogs for The Huffington Post. She has a Bachelor of Journalism degree and currently lives smack dab between Philadelphia and New York City with husband Marty, dogs Maggie, Hazel, and Ginger, a collection of fish, said husband's cockatoo who she's been trying to roast for dinner for the last 31 years, and a few occasional uninvited guests. You may follow her blog and read published essays at: LeslieGoesBoom.com. Her first book, a collection of essays, publishes by HO/Shorehouse Press Spring, 2018.

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5 Responses to My Mysterious Mind

  1. October 5, 2017 at 2:49 pm

    I’ve always wondered how many prehistoric people had to die before we finally figured out what was edible.

    And who figured out what mushrooms he could eat and still stay alive, and how did he do it?

  2. October 4, 2017 at 3:28 am

    We say to the beach here in northern Indiana … but we don’t go there most of the year, because it’s just too doggone cold.

    On the subject of heights, my wife and I have a deal: I get stuff out of the high cupboards, and she picks stuff up off the floor.

    • October 4, 2017 at 11:17 am

      Thanks for reading, Mark. Must be so nice to be tall. BTW, is it ever warm enough to go in the water there?

  3. September 30, 2017 at 7:45 am

    My mind wanders in many of these same directions. I guess great minds think alike?

    • October 4, 2017 at 11:18 am

      Absolutely!



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