Never say never: Things I never thought I’d say | HumorOutcasts

Never say never: Things I never thought I’d say

April 5, 2017
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A friend recently asked me if I’d seen a particular skit on Saturday Night Live the night before. I replied, “Hell, I can’t stay up that late anymore; I’ll watch it online.”

Then I thought: OMG, did I really just say that? Have I turned into an old fart who nods off after dinner? I also silently gave myself props for knowing how to access SNL videos on my laptop, affirming that I’m not completely out of touch.

But it got me to thinking how a lot of things that come out of my mouth now that I’m in my sixties are statements I never thought I’d make, especially when I was in my twenties or thirties.

I also realized there are other phrases I utter that my 20-something self would have no idea WTF I’m talking about (like the WTF acronym) because our popular culture has changed so much in 40-plus years.

So I figured I’d better write down some of these utterances before I forget them. Here goes:

  • Having a good bowel movement is one of the most satisfying things in life
  • I can’t eat chocolate because it triggers my acid reflux
  • The music’s too loud—can you please turn it down?
  • I’m too old for (whatever)
  • I tweet a few times each day (“What’s a tweet?” my 20-something self would ask)
  • I post a new blog once a week (What’s a blog?)
  • I’ll text you (What’s a text?)
  • “Golden Showers” is trending on Twitter in relation to the president of the United States
  • A former soft-porn model is the first lady of the United States
  • “No, thanks” when offered a drink
  • Can’t we just cuddle?
  • The show starts at 10:00 p.m.? Forget it; I’m in bed by then.
  • I can’t wear those shoes—the heels are too high
  • Hold the French fries
  • I’ll be eligible for Medicare in just over a year
  • I can’t believe I’ve been a member of AARP for 13 years
  • I have a grandson
  • I can’t read that without glasses (and the related, “Where the f*ck are my glasses?”)
  • We’ll Uber to the airport (What’s Uber?)
  • Hell, I don’t need to put on makeup to go to the grocery store
  • Is it hot in here or is it just me?
  • I need a bigger bra
  • I’ll take a picture with my phone (Huh?)
  • Hey, there’s a how-to article in the Sunday paper about growing your own marijuana, now that it’s legal
  • I just paid $140 for a pair of jeans (that was once my monthly rent!)
  • I just paid $150 for eye cream
  • I just peed my pants from laughing
  • I like wearing pants with an elastic waist
  • Have I got food on my face?
  • My ass is flat
  • What did I come in here for?
  • Sure, I’ll take the senior discount
  • We need a nightlight in the bedroom
  • I really don’t like to drive at night
  • That first meal after having a colonoscopy is better than sex
  • I’m older than all my doctors
  • Cool—our new condo already has a grab bar in the shower
  • Comfort-height toilets are the best
  • I can’t remember what I had for dinner last night
  • I used to think that having a tan made me look healthy
  • At our age, it’s good to carry a little extra weight
  • If I drink more than two glasses of wine, it takes me three days to recover
  • I haven’t been carded in decades
  • Mick Jagger is 73 years old and the Stones are still performing in concert
  • Can you believe Keith Richards is still alive?
  • I just don’t get a lot of the music kids listen to today
  • I’d rather live in a small town than a big city
  • SNL has been on television for 42 years
  • I don’t have to pluck my eyebrows anymore—but I do have to pluck moustache and chin hairs
  • Have you gotten your shingles shot?
  • I’m starting to sound like my mother
  • Ask Siri (Who the hell is Siri?)
  • I really don’t care what other people think

And perhaps the #1 thing I never thought I’d say—at least not without guilt—is:

  • No

So, fellow baby boomers, what do you find yourself saying at this age—utterances your younger self never thought you’d make? While you’re thinking about it, here’s this week’s haiku:

One thing you learn as
you get older is you should
never say never.

Roxanne Jones

Roxanne Jones blogs at www.boomerhaiku.com, a mostly light-hearted, often irreverent look at life as a baby boomer, 17 syllables at a time. When she’s not tapping out haikus, she’s a freelance medical copywriter, enjoys chardonnay and contemplates plastic surgery to get rid of the wattle on her neck.

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8 Responses to Never say never: Things I never thought I’d say

  1. April 8, 2017 at 10:59 am

    I never thought I’d say, “I hacked my own twitter account.” Very funny post Roxanne!

    • April 10, 2017 at 7:44 am

      Thank you, Molly! How on earth did you hack your own Twitter account, pray tell???

  2. Deborah Chiaravalloti
    April 6, 2017 at 2:43 pm

    I can’t believe I thought about wearing lower heels. (It has not yet come out of my mouth.)
    I’d rather stay home.
    It’s too rainy to go out.

    • April 11, 2017 at 8:17 am

      Deb, I’ve actually said the lower-heels statement out loud (although I still have a few pairs in my closet that I wear when I know I don’t have to walk far). Thanks for commenting here!

  3. April 6, 2017 at 9:42 am

    Good ones, Kathy! Who’d a thunk it, huh?

  4. April 5, 2017 at 9:02 pm

    I’m going to memorize this list so I never say anything on it! LOL

    • April 6, 2017 at 9:41 am

      Good luck, Donna (both with the memorization and not ever saying anything on the list)!

  5. April 5, 2017 at 8:22 pm

    a. We elected an African-American president! (We never thought that would happen in our lifetime.)

    b. We almost elected a woman president!

    c. I post funny stories and essays on a website called HumorOutcasts.com.

    d. I joined a senior center and it’s kind of fun there.



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