Being the intrepid reporter I am, I managed to snag an exclusive interview with someone very high up in the immigration department of the American government. This interview reflects the views of many trusted government employees who look at trump’s travel ban as an instrument of bias and exclusion. By the way, because of the threat to “leakers,” I have tried to protect my source and she will appear in shadow form. We will refer to her as SoL
Me: As one of the most recognizable American icons, how are you handling this new political administration?
SoL: Not good. Each day from my home, I see the walls of our country closing in. Hey, I am not green when it comes to the complexities of immigration (reporter aside: She is truly green but she means naïve in this sense not her own color), but this orange bozo has made my time here in America obsolete. No one wants to be obsolete. It might be time for me to move on.
Me: Really? Where would you go? How would you go?
SoL: Well, I have made emergency plans. I made them after I saw that first Planet of the Apes movie and got a little worried when my head was tossed up on a beach. It’s scary when you see yourself decapitated lying alone on a dune. Anyway, that got me thinking. If the apes can do this what can the orange one do? I have a standing invite from Canada to re-locate to one of their bays and also some of the Nordic countries too. Russia is trying to twist my torch-free arm to go there, but I’m smart enough to know that dealing with that despot is not a good thing. I wish our government would learn that lesson. Anyway, all the nice countries have promised me full passage, top billing and a bright torch that will never dim. That’s a lot of benefits so I can’t take the offers lightly. Besides, the health coverage in those places far exceeds ours and trust me when I say that when you stand on your feet 24/7 you need at least a good chiropractor without having to shell out a hefty co-pay.
Me: Won’t you miss your home here?
SoL: More than you know. For more than a century, I have welcomed new people to this country promising them a better life. Now, my days of welcoming are over. In fact, I have learned that any second I will receive my walking papers. Let’s face it: The National Parks Service won’t be able to maintain me (if they survive) and a girl has got to take care of herself. I heard that there were plans in the works to replace me with a guy in a uniform brandishing handcuffs and a gun.
Me: Is there anything we can do to convince you to stay?
SoL: I think we are in miracle territory here. Even if the orange one goes, you have that Vice-President guy and his fan base in congress who only appear to like white Christians—and I’m a green statue…you do that math. This is not why the French sent me here. I came to welcome the tired, the poor and huddled masses yearning to be free.
Me: Can you at least offer us some advice?
SoL: Go get that Justin Trudeau guy in Canada. He is cute, warm, affectionate and he doesn’t spew hatred and lies each time he opens his mouth. Maybe he can do a workshop here for our government officials. I bet they would go if you don’t call it a Town Hall.