Pay For a Pumper at Naughty Bingo | HumorOutcasts

Pay For a Pumper at Naughty Bingo

February 19, 2017
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So here’s the scenario: You want to support your local volunteer fire department, so you go to their fund-raising bingo night. And it’s your lucky day! You get the B-12, and the I-C, and the IN-diana, and G-whiz, and even the O-boy! (I don’t actually play Bingo, but I assume that’s how it goes.)

“Bingo!” You’ve won! This is so much more fun than when you and your buddies got drunk and had that nose hair plucking contest!

And here’s your prize. Powered by D-cell batteries, it’s three speed, in brilliant white plastic–real plastic, not that fake stuff. You look at it, puzzled. Is this some kind of back massager? And then the realization hits you:

You’ve won a sex toy.

Well done, sir (um, or ma’am)! Your Valentine’s Day gift-giving dilemma is over.

That’s how they roll at the Hometown Volunteer Fire Company in Schuykill County, Pennsylvania. Their idea of “hometown” appears to be at odds with what I would imagine. But like any volunteer fire department, the Hometown Fire Company has the ongoing challenge of finding enough money to stay in operation. The good news is, they appear to have hit the jackpot, or rather the bingo: Naughty Bingo.

Naughty Bingo night is March 11, and I know you’re interested. I assume it’ll be held at the fire station, which is already chock full of talk about nozzles, hose, pumpers, and squirting of various sorts. And you thought a hose bed was just for hose.

Hometown tried it for the first time last year, reasoning that their supporters were getting tired of all the old fundraising tropes. I mean, you can only have so many fish fries, pancake breakfasts, porkburger sales, chicken … mmm, I’m hungry. Where were we?

Oh, yes. They decided to try something new, and it brought in a standing-room only crowd from several counties in two states. (New Jersey. Go figure.) Just 160 tickets were sold, and they were snapped up faster than a leopard-skin whip at a San Francisco clearance sale. Do they make leopard-skin whips? Wait, don’t tell me.

The firefighters, already well known for finding ’em hot and leaving ’em wet, were understandably concerned about community reaction. But everyone seems to love the idea–maybe because it beat raising taxes. Really, with fund raisers it’s already a small step from sex toys to bratwurst. “Now remember, this is silicone: Don’t try to put it in a bun. Wait, let me rephrase that …”

The real question people should be asking themselves is: Why should emergency responders have to spend enormous amounts of their time begging for it? Money, I mean? If there’s one area that should be fully funded, this is it.

Maybe every government department should have to do fund raisers:

The parks department could set up a lingerie football league.

The water department can host wet t-shirt contests.

And, of course, the street department would have … street walkers.

Until that time comes, it seems to be mostly small fire departments that need to get a stiff shot of cash by raising funds. If they have to do that, then I say let them do whatever gets their finances up–we’ve already had racy firefighter calendars of both sexes, so maybe this was the next logical step.

And if Naughty Bingo is here, then strip poker can’t be far behind. I’d better start working out.

Mark R Hunter

Mark R Hunter is the author of two romantic comedies, Storm Chaser and its sequel, The Notorious Ian Grant, as well as a related story collection, Storm Chaser Shorts. He also wrote a young adult adventure, The No-Campfire Girls, and a humor collection, Slightly Off the Mark. In addition, he collaborated with his wife, Emily, on the history books Images of America: Albion and Noble County, and Smoky Days and Sleepless Nights: A Century or So With The Albion Fire Department. Mark’s work also appeared in the anthologies My Funny Valentine and Strange Portals: Ink Slingers’ Fantasy/Horror Anthology. For two decades Mark R Hunter has been an emergency dispatcher for the Noble County Sheriff Department. He’s served over 32 years as a volunteer for the Albion Fire Department, holding such positions as safety officer, training officer, secretary, and public information officer. He also has done public relations writing for the Noble County Relay For Life, among other organizations, and served two terms on the Albion Town Council. When asked if he has any free time, he laughs hysterically. Mark lives in Albion, Indiana, with his wife and editor Emily, a cowardly ball python named Lucius, and a loving, scary dog named Beowulf. He has two daughters and twin grandsons, and so naturally is considering writing a children’s book.

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