Penis bones, healing crystal dildos, phallic cakes & other sexual trivia | HumorOutcasts

Penis bones, healing crystal dildos, phallic cakes & other sexual trivia

June 8, 2017
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News items that make me smile or go, “Hmmm…” seem to find their way into my files. Apparently, tidbits relating to our privates have this effect on me fairly frequently, judging from the collection that makes up this week’s blog post.

I hope you have the same reaction.

Less hair “down there” ups the risk of STIs

If you’re planning to do some bush-trimming now that bathing suit season is upon us, be warned: Frequent, extreme waxing or shaving down below makes it four times more likely you’ll catch a sexually transmitted infection (STI).

Researchers at UC San Francisco, who interviewed 7,500 U.S. adults aged 18 to 65, found those who pruned their pubes were more sexually active, putting them at greater risk of STIs. And grooming may also cause small cuts and tears to the skin, making it easier to pick up an infection. So if you’re planning to tend to your lady garden or do some manscaping (yes, this warning applies to men, too), beware!

Women prefer slightly larger penises for one-night stands

Research out of the University of California and the University of New Mexico has revealed that women prefer a slightly larger penis in a one-time sexual partner compared to a long-term partner. But don’t get your tighty-whiteys in a twist, guys.

According to an article in The Guardian, researchers gave 75 women, ages 18 to 65, 33 three-dimensional plastic penises of various sizes to choose from (the plastic models were blue, BTW, to avoid any color bias). The average preferred size in a long-term partner was 6.3 inches in length and 4.8 inches around. For a one-nighter, the average plastic penis size they preferred was 6.4 inches long and 5.0 inches around.

Big whoop. All I can think of is that Chesterfield cigarette ad from the sixties and its “silly millimeter longer” catch phrase. It’s nice to know where some research dollars go, huh?

Why don’t humans have a penis bone?

Yes, there is such a thing. Officially called a baculum, the penis bone is found in some species of mammals—but not humans. Its purpose? According to an article in Scientific American, scientists theorize that in certain species, the baculum may help trigger ovulation. Another theory is that the penis bone serves as a sexual shoehorn, helping the male insert himself into a female.

It’s also been proposed that the baculum helps prolong intromission (vaginal penetration), thereby preventing a female from bolting and hooking up with anyone else before the male’s sperm have done their job. In fact, the authors wrote that having a penis bone is linked to longer intromissions (over three minutes). Humans don’t make it into that “longer” category: Tantric sex aside, the average duration from penetration to ejaculation for human males is less than two minutes.

They also discovered that primate males with longer intromissions tend to have longer penis bones. And in species where males face a lot of sexual competition for females, the males have longer bacula than those animals who can hook up more easily. In other words, size does matter.

It all begs the question: Why don’t humans have a penis bone if it’s so important in competing for a mate and making copulation last longer?

The scientists suggest it’s because human males generally have minimal sexual competition. That rings true to me—especially as men get older and are way outnumbered by women. And as for prolonging copulation, well, human males have boner pills for that, so who needs a penis bone? Mystery solved.

Healing crystal dildos promise more than getting off

According to an article on Pop Sugar, a company called Chakrubs produces handmade dildos made from minerals like rose quartz and pure amethyst, which are said to possess metaphysical properties to heal and enlighten you.

The company’s website says that using these intimate toys will have you “learning to quiet the mind in order to feel subtle energies, develop emotional intelligence, strengthen self-awareness, and accepting every aspect of who you are.” It goes on to explain how using them “not only gets you off, but turns you on in a way in which you will remain turned on and awakened with a renewed sense of self-awareness and wisdom.” Wow. Talk about inner peace.

Phallic cakes put Portuguese town on the map

Maine’s famed whoopie pie may have a suggestive name, but Amarante, a quiet village in northern Portugal, cuts right to the chase with its phallic cakes—cakes shaped like erect penises.

According to this article, the ““Bolos de São Gonçalo” (St. São Gonçalo cakes) or “doces fálicos” (phallic sweets) are likely rooted in a fertility ritual that stems from pagan times. Townspeople exchange the penis cakes as a token of their affections (subtle, huh?), and the anatomically correct cakes can also be bought by or given to single women as a love-life good luck charm.

While the phallic cakes are available at local bakeries year-round, they’re out in abundance at the São Gonçalo festival during the first weekend in June and on January 10. Street vendors sell hard, edible phallus cakes up to a meter in length, while bakeries create more diminutive versions and ones with cream fillings.

I can only imagine the selfies that get taken in Amarante.

This week’s post inspired this haiku:

Talking about sex
is almost as amusing
as doing the deed.

What do you think? Agree or disagree with the haiku? Got some tidbits of your own to share? I’m all ears…

Read more of my humor here.

Roxanne Jones

Roxanne Jones blogs at www.boomerhaiku.com, a mostly light-hearted, often irreverent look at life as a baby boomer, 17 syllables at a time. When she’s not tapping out haikus, she’s a freelance medical copywriter, enjoys chardonnay and contemplates plastic surgery to get rid of the wattle on her neck.

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