Revenge of the Water Heater | HumorOutcasts

Revenge of the Water Heater

May 19, 2017
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The thing about a water heater is that it’s supposed to heat water–hence the name–and then hold aforementioned heated water until you let it out. If the water gets out before you want it to, that’s a problem. It’s also a problem if the heated water isn’t heated, but never mind.

So when I saw water leaking out of the bottom of my water heater, it naturally occurred to me that I might have a problem. And what does one do in modern times when one has a problem? That’s right: consult the internet.

The internet told me that the water might be coming from the drain valve, in which case I might be able to cap it. (It wasn’t.) Or, it might be coming from anywhere else, in which case both I and my wallet were screwed. Further consultation revealed that “screwed” was not meant literally, so my collection of mismatched screwdrivers would not help me. Nor would the jar full of screws I’ve found in random places, and always wondered what they were supposed to be holding together.

Further, I discovered drinking a screwdriver would help, but only temporarily.

The internet told me my water heater is approaching its normal lifespan anyway, and there’s no use crying over spilled water. However, it also told me that if the leak isn’t too bad, and the water isn’t damaging anything, I could go on using the heater for years more before it finally conks out.

(I suspect it was people on the internet who said that, rather than the internet itself. Then again, keep feeding information into a computer system and sooner or later it’s going to figure stuff out for itself–we’ve all seen those movies.)

This idea suits me. (The “keep using it” idea, not “the internet’s taking over” idea, which terrifies me.) “Ignore the problem and maybe it’ll go away” is a creed I’ve lived by when it comes to home repairs, or anything mechanical. Yes, that may have led to a tire falling off my car, but no creed is perfect.

On a quite definitely related note, I also discovered that the valve to shut off water to my heater is corroded so badly that it’s no longer a valve. It’s just a scaly green blob with no logical function, rather like a politician’s brain. I can’t change the heater without shutting off water to the entire house, and the house is heated with water. If that’s not an excuse to put the whole thing off until cold weather ends, I don’t know what is. What could possibly go wrong?

So I put it off until May, and started work three days before our town’s spring cleanup day, when I could put the old water heater out. Three days later I was indeed able to take the old heater out, just in time. At that point I didn’t have any water, hot or cold, and due to a pressure surge I’d also lost my  washing machine. But hey, I got rid of that old water heater.

I could go into more detail, but it’s a little hard to type with these burned fingers and the strained shoulder. On the other hand, the sore toe and damaged knees make for a good excuse to catch up on episodes of Fargo. Thanks to my brother everything’s up and running except for the washing machine, which was at least three decades old and bought used, anyway.

My home, which was also bought used, is always looking for new and original ways to beat me down. I suppose when it’s time to install the new washing machine, it’ll find a new way.

This is where my home improvement projects always end up. This was also a home improvement project.

Mark R Hunter

Mark R Hunter is the author of two romantic comedies, Storm Chaser and its sequel, The Notorious Ian Grant, as well as a related story collection, Storm Chaser Shorts. He also wrote a young adult adventure, The No-Campfire Girls, and a humor collection, Slightly Off the Mark. In addition, he collaborated with his wife, Emily, on the history books Images of America: Albion and Noble County, and Smoky Days and Sleepless Nights: A Century or So With The Albion Fire Department. Mark’s work also appeared in the anthologies My Funny Valentine and Strange Portals: Ink Slingers’ Fantasy/Horror Anthology. For two decades Mark R Hunter has been an emergency dispatcher for the Noble County Sheriff Department. He’s served over 32 years as a volunteer for the Albion Fire Department, holding such positions as safety officer, training officer, secretary, and public information officer. He also has done public relations writing for the Noble County Relay For Life, among other organizations, and served two terms on the Albion Town Council. When asked if he has any free time, he laughs hysterically. Mark lives in Albion, Indiana, with his wife and editor Emily, a cowardly ball python named Lucius, and a loving, scary dog named Beowulf. He has two daughters and twin grandsons, and so naturally is considering writing a children’s book.

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5 Responses to Revenge of the Water Heater

  1. May 25, 2017 at 10:59 am

    We too, have suffered from water heater failure. I never thought of the screwdriver solution….drinking it would have helped a lot.

  2. May 22, 2017 at 1:36 pm

    Thank goodness, your water heater didn’t form an evil alliance with your water heater.

    • May 24, 2017 at 2:01 am

      I’m not convinced all the appliances aren’t working together.

  3. Bill Y "The Legend" Ledden
    May 21, 2017 at 3:20 am

    Drinking a screwdriver helps Thirsty Dave and he’s as hard as nails.

    • May 24, 2017 at 2:01 am

      Maybe my problem is that I need to increase my intake. Yeah, that’s it.



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