Soft Skills

What are soft skills? I’m suppose to improve my soft skills, but does that mean turn them into something softer, like a comfortable 3-ply roll of toilet paper? Or should I beat the crap out of them and harden them up into a tough piece of skirt steak.

I guess the problem is that when I think of soft things, skills don’t immediately pop into mind. Food does, but then it always does.

When I hear “soft skills”, I think of soft taco shells. What a wonderful invention – a cozy sarong for my food. Any sane person prefers soft taco shells over hard because, when you go out for a business lunch, you don’t want to bring back a pound of taco crumbs in your crotch. This leads to all kinds of misinterpretations. “Does Bill have a chihuahua? Kinda smelled like the Taco Bell dog yesterday. Scratching a lot.”

Mexican food hint: You should try pairing a 3-ply toilet paper with a 3-ply taco shell, for those times when the food is bent on revenge. And why is all Mexican food wrapped in something? Do they know about the modern plate? Cutlery?

Sometimes I fear my soft skills are in danger of rotting. If I leave a banana out long enough, it will eventually liquefy, break out of its skin, and ooze all over the kitchen floor. Will my soft skills do the same? Maybe I should keep them in the fridge. But the last time I kept a banana in the fridge, it turned into a dead-ringer for my grandmother’s neck mole. The natural move would be to freeze my soft skills and thaw them later when I really need them. Think back to the last time you stuck your arm in the freezer and pulled out chicken from 2 years ago. Was the chicken even there anymore? Wasn’t it just a free-range ice-cube?

“This guy’s resume is interesting, but look, he’s worked alone since 1990. His people skills must have freezer burn by now.”

Time to pop them in the microwave, like leftovers. Hey, was that meat, or pudding?

I worked a contract once at an ad agency and one of the account executives told me that he likes to visit the bathroom and pleasure himself on particularly stressful days. It helped him relax and focus better. I thought about that a moment. No, wait. I threw up on my laptop, then I thought about it. Is that a hard skill or a soft skill? Maybe both. Anyway, it didn’t show up on his resume, so what good was it?

Washroom note: By the way, after hearing this story, I never used that bathroom again. I went to the 28th floor. The top floor.

Sometimes soft skills sounds like baby food. “Poor Jeff, he’s not doing too well. Just had his review and they put him on soft skills for a month.”

Can soft skills become hard skills? Soft foods can sure become hard foods. I once left a pizza out for a week (come on, I was a bachelor) and finally decided to use it as a pizza stone to cook other pizzas. I made 112 pizza stones until I got married.

The term “soft skills” is too general. It covers way too much human behaviour. Dale Carnegie had awesome soft skills, like the ability to persuade, but so do hookers, and even serial killers. Imagine the people skills Jeffrey Dahmer employed to lure victims to his apartment, where they ended up in his freezer. Ahhhhhhh – freezer burn.

Hard skills? I get that. Skills that are hard to learn. Like computer programming. But what if you’re programming software? That’s a soft skill, isn’t it?

And Goldilocks? Did she have hard skills, soft skills, or just-right skills? Wait a minute, she can’t even get paid fairly.

Okay, I’ve made my point.