The Horror! The Horror! | HumorOutcasts

The Horror! The Horror!

January 3, 2017
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Yesterday, I realized that in response to the recent election cycle, I’ve become a new person.

I now feel intense pessimism and an inevitable sense of doom because of who was elected president.

I think a lot about FOX News.

I feel an urgent need to buy guns before the president-elect actually takes office.

I’m convinced the president-elect is intent on taking away Constitutional rights guaranteed by the Bill of Rights.

I’ve become an avid denier of reality: “He can’t have won. That’s impossible. Nobody would have voted for him, much less enough people for him to win. The Electoral College will show courage and save us. The Electoral College can’t have elected him. He’s not going to be my president.”

I now subscribe to several wild-sounding conspiracy theories (involving the FBI, an insane ex-New York mayor, Vladimir Putin, Mitch McConnell, various Donald Trump cabinet nominees and children, and the president-elect himself as a Russian asset.)

I question the legitimacy of the election.

I’m committed to obstructing, disrespecting, and ridiculing the incoming president in every way I can think of for his entire term of office.

I have not for one second considered “giving him a chance.”

In other words, I realizedwith horrorthat I’ve become . . . (Dare I say it?) . . . a Republican.

Bill Spencer

Bill Spencer's humor writing has been published by Funny Times, Narrative magazine, Reader's Digest, The Sun, The Inconsequential, Clever magazine, Defenestration, The Short Humour Site, Hobo Pancakes, and Nuthouse. He has also published scholarly articles on the novels of Cormac McCarthy and is co-author of an unproduced screenplay, "Angel Pays a Visit." He lives in a cabin in the mountains of North Carolina with his wife, artist-poet Carolyn Elkins.

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9 Responses to The Horror! The Horror!

  1. January 4, 2017 at 5:31 pm

    I’ve fallen down a rabbit hole and just come out to read Bill Spencer’s comments. It’s the only sanity there is….like Alice in Wonderland…Why, sometimes I’ve believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast

    • Bill Spencer
      January 4, 2017 at 7:21 pm

      You don’t HAVE to be mad as a hatter, but it helps.

  2. January 4, 2017 at 7:45 am

    I feel the doom upon us, like a twisted version of Back to the Future II – or was it III – whatever, but I feel we’ve all, and by all I mean non-Republicans, entered an alternate reality where, I believe, aliens must have swooped in the middle of the night and replaced common sense with idiocy. My whole world has been shattered into a zillion pieces. And all the king’s horses and all the king’s men…yes, my mind is going crazy. And in my delusion, I still hope for something or somebody to save us from what will inevitably be the fall of US. However, I’m still trying to maintain my former joyful, peaceful, and happy self. “They’re coming to take me away ha ha; they’re coming to take me away ho ho he he ha ha…” God, H-E-L-P US!

    • Bill Spencer
      January 4, 2017 at 8:14 am

      I find your response absolutely reasonable.

  3. January 3, 2017 at 4:40 pm

    We have met the enemy and he is … not us. He’s still the enemy.

    • Bill Spencer
      January 3, 2017 at 6:15 pm

      I feel like a woman who realizes she’s become her mother.

  4. January 3, 2017 at 9:07 am

    I too, have conspiracy theory questions Bill Spencer! And this is the only advice I have and I swear by it. Denial is highly underrated. Embrace it!

    • Bill Spencer
      January 3, 2017 at 10:15 am

      Sorry it’s taken me a while to respond, Donna. I was busy ordering my radiation dosimeter and the rest of my prepper survival kit.



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