After more than two hundred years of living in the real world, we find ourselves flung into a new world where left is right, up is down, black is…well, black is still black and white is still white, but you get the picture. This shiny new home of ours provides hope for anyone with white skin (or very thin orange skin), money and no qualifications to be anything they want to be. This is Trump World and in order to live in it and understand it, you must make yourself familiar with the following terms often uttered by the Great Orange Dope and his minions.
Alternative Fact
In Trump World, not all facts are factual; there are also non-factual facts or what inhabitants of Trump World call “alternative facts.” For instance, in the normal world, it is a fact that 2+2=4. In Trump World, an alternative fact might be 2+2=5 (or any number other than four). Once the concept of alternative facts is accepted, it is possible for those who inhabit Trump World to believe that if one fellow throws a party attended by a hundred of his friends and a second fellow throws a party attended by, oh, say six people who accidentally wandered in, the second fellow may claim that he actually had 1.5 million guests. A truly advanced alternative factor might even say that a bigly number of the 1.5 million guests were African Americans, when in fact there was only Ben Carson and that chick from The Apprentice.
Alt-Right
See Nazis.
Bad Hombres
Bad is English for bad. Hombres is Spanish for Mexican rapists. Put them together and you can frighten people enough to convince them you need to build a wall. A beautiful wall. With a big door and a welcome sign over it. Built by Mexicans. Paid for by Mexico. Yep, that’s all it takes.
Bigly
A nineteenth century word used almost exclusively by people with nineteenth century ideas.
Bowling Green Massacre
Thanks to the head of the Ministry of Alternative Facts, the lovely Kellyanne Conway, the public has finally been told the truth about the Bowling Green Massacre—a terrorist attack the media steadfastly refused to cover because of the non-alternative fact that it never happened. An estimated no people were killed in the violent attack while scores of nobody were injured. The FBI calls it the worst terrorist attack never to occur on American soil since the Munfordville Waffle House Bombing that took the lives of no one.
Disaster
Any program initiated by the Obama administration.
Example: The nuclear deal with Iran is a disaster.
Drain the Swamp
In Trump World, the swamp is Washington. By draining the swamp, people who are qualified to run a government can be removed and replaced by outsiders like reality TV hosts, sleepy brain surgeons, Nazis, racists and people with clothing lines.
Fake News
Trump World’s Ministry of Alternative Facts defines fake news as any news not officially disseminated from Fox “news” Channel or Breitbart “news.” Fake news is easily recognizable by its blatant use of facts.
Grab ‘em by the Pussy
In Trump World, it is what a woman will let you do because you are so fucking irresistible. In the real world, it is what a woman won’t let you do because you are an ugly, narcissistic old prick.
Huge (pronounced yoooge)
An even bigger bigly.
Nazis
See Alt-Right.
Sad
Simply put, it’s the final word in a three o’clock a.m. tweet.
Example: The president just tweeted about Meryl Streep. Sad.
Something Terrific
A non-existent replacement for a disaster.
Example: We’re gonna replace Obamacare with something terrific.