There’s No Magic Bullet for This Anniversary | HumorOutcasts

There’s No Magic Bullet for This Anniversary

March 5, 2017
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I took a couple of days off for our wedding anniversary this year, having come up with a fairly simple idea, which is all I’m capable of when it comes to events like that. Anniversaries, birthdays, Valentine’s Day … my mind freezes up like a … frozen … thing. See, just thinking about it does that.

Now, my wife loves camping, but our anniversary is March 5th. In Indiana that’s camping season in the same way the South Pole is a tourist attraction: Sure, you can do it, but you’re more than likely going to freeze. But we’d had a very warm February, so I rolled the dice and came up with a plan: We would head south for a short camping trip, maybe somewhere along the Ohio River where it’s always at least five or ten degrees warmer than Northern Indiana. It’s not exactly green down there yet, which is why I settled on Clifty Falls State Park–a place where a lack of foliage might actually improve the view.

As long as it didn’t rain it was a brilliant plan, by which I mean it was brilliant by my standards, by which I mean I didn’t come up with a backup plan in case it rained. Then we got measurable snow on two of the first three days of March. The first day we didn’t get any snow because of the severe thunderstorm rolling through.

I confess to getting a little nervous at that point.

Our forecast was cooler and partially wet, but hey–that was hundreds of miles from our soon-to-be dream anniversary spot. So I checked the forecast for Madison, Indiana, which is right by Clifty Falls at the opposite end of the state.

Their forecast was exactly the same as ours.

That I didn’t see coming. It wouldn’t be so cold that we wouldn’t be comfortable inside the sleeping bags my mother-in-law gave us for Christmas–but three days stuck inside a tent with a dog, wrapped in a sleeping bag (us, not the dog), just doesn’t seem all that dreamy.

So as I write this it’s March Third, and I’m desperately trying to come up with a plan B. I even checked on what the anniversary gifts are for a fifth wedding anniversary. The traditional one is wood, and the modern one is silverware.

Well, the wood would come in handy to build a fire. But silverware? Why don’t I just give her a new garbage disposal, or a vacuum cleaner? “Isn’t it romantic? A gift like this will sweep you off your feet! Get it? Dear? What are you doing with that ax?”

At this point I considered combining the anniversary gift ideas into a “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” themed anniversary, in which we would go out into the forest with wooden stakes and silver bullets to hunt the supernatural. That show figured into how we met, and I believe it’s having a 20th anniversary itself, so I thought I had something. Then I realized it would involve taking my once again disappointed wife into an area with no witnesses, then handing her a sharp object and a loaded gun.

Might as well just give her a shovel, too … but I think hand tools don’t come around until the 11th anniversary. I’ll let you know how it goes.

If I can.

“Do you promise to love, obey, and remember your anniversary?” “Huh?”

Mark R Hunter

Mark R Hunter is the author of two romantic comedies, Storm Chaser and its sequel, The Notorious Ian Grant, as well as a related story collection, Storm Chaser Shorts. He also wrote a young adult adventure, The No-Campfire Girls, and a humor collection, Slightly Off the Mark. In addition, he collaborated with his wife, Emily, on the history books Images of America: Albion and Noble County, and Smoky Days and Sleepless Nights: A Century or So With The Albion Fire Department. Mark’s work also appeared in the anthologies My Funny Valentine and Strange Portals: Ink Slingers’ Fantasy/Horror Anthology. For two decades Mark R Hunter has been an emergency dispatcher for the Noble County Sheriff Department. He’s served over 32 years as a volunteer for the Albion Fire Department, holding such positions as safety officer, training officer, secretary, and public information officer. He also has done public relations writing for the Noble County Relay For Life, among other organizations, and served two terms on the Albion Town Council. When asked if he has any free time, he laughs hysterically. Mark lives in Albion, Indiana, with his wife and editor Emily, a cowardly ball python named Lucius, and a loving, scary dog named Beowulf. He has two daughters and twin grandsons, and so naturally is considering writing a children’s book.

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4 Responses to There’s No Magic Bullet for This Anniversary

  1. March 5, 2017 at 9:55 pm

    You do freeze up..like a frozen thing, don’t you? Here’s an idea for next year and they following 40 years, ask her girlfriends what a good idea would be.

    • March 7, 2017 at 7:47 pm

      A good idea in theory, but the problem is that Emily is, in many ways, a boy (and says that in many ways I’m a girl). That complicates things, even with her friends. On the other hand, if I took their advice and it went horribly wrong, I could just blame them.

  2. March 5, 2017 at 9:22 pm

    I have an idea. Go camping in the Virgin Islands. It isn’t hurricane season yet, so you should be safe. 😉

    • March 7, 2017 at 7:47 pm

      I was thinking maybe along the Gulf Coast, but my budget told me “no”. That happens a lot.



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